[1/22/14 Update: "The Tagger" Inside-the-Precinct pics - don't miss it!]
Peralta: 28 | Santiago: 28
Peralta: Ah, captain, you're at my desk. Just what I want to see first thing in the morning.
Capt. Holt: You're three minutes late, Peralta.
Peralta: Not my fault. I had a plumbing problem. Which reminds me, I'm going to need a new departmentally issued phone.
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Peralta: Oh, come on, really, I'm a few minutes late, so you're going to call me out in front of everyone?
Capt. Holt: Good idea. Everyone, gather round, so I can call out Peralta in front of you.
Capt. Holt: Here are two pictures: one is your locker - the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which?
Peralta: That one's the dump?
Capt. Holt: They're both your locker.
Peralta: Ahhh, I shoulda guessed that. He's good.
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Capt. Holt: This folder is labeled "undies comma dirty."
Peralta: So I won't confuse it with "undies comma clean." Also who cares about all these rules? I have more felony arrests than any other detective here.
Capt. Holt: You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective.
Peralta: Algernon! You guys, Algernon's back!
Capt. Holt: Get rid of the mouse and get your act together - now.
Peralta: He's grumpy.
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BK99Insider: New show credits!!! Has anyone made this into a ringtone yet? :)
Sgt. Jeffords: Okay, detectives, let's get started. Santiago, where are we with the Jay Street drug bust?
Santiago: There are twelve keys of coke unaccounted for, but we just got a warrant to search the dealer's apartment.
Sgt. Jeffords: Good. Take Boyle and Diaz.
Charles: Dream team.
Sgt. Jeffords: Peralta, brief us on the vandalism case.
Peralta: Well, there's no easy way to put this, sarge, but someone has been painting wieners on squad cars. And apparently, they won't stop until there's a penis drawn on every cop car in Brooklyn.
Hitchcock: Oh, that's what he's been drawing. But what are those two little round things at the bottom.
Scully: That's the butt.
Peralta: The butt?
Capt. Holt: I assume you have a plan to catch this gentleman?
Peralta: Did you just say a "genital-man"? Because if so, kudos. And yes, I have a plan. I'm going to plant a decoy squad car as bait. Meanwhile I'll be waiting in an undercover vehicle here.
Sgt. Jeffords: He's already tagged three UC vehicles; he can clearly spot them. You should take my minivan.
Diaz: A minivan? Ah-hah!
Sgt. Jeffords: You'll got a problem with my minivan? ... Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!
Capt. Holt: It's a good idea, sergeant. We'll take the van.
Peralta: We? You're coming with me? Sir, with all due respect, I don't need backup.
Capt. Holt: It's not backup. It's babysitting.
Diaz: Babysitting ah-hah!
Boyle: Oh, look at this. Drug dealer got a B.A. in art history from Brooklyn College. Interesting, huh?
Diaz: How's that interesting?
Boyle: Well, it's surprising, because you would think he'd study...drugs.
Santiago: I studied art history too.
Diaz: Also not interesting.
Gina: Excuse me. I know I'm just a lowly civilian administrator, but I couldn't help overhearing you're looking for some missing drugs. As it turns out, my friend here, Carlene, is a psychic, and she's ready to help you.
Carlene: I do palms, tarot and I have a degree in numerology from the internet.
Diaz: Ugh, really, Gina? A psychic?
Gina: What? She's the real deal, e.g. last week she predicted I would have a sensuous encounter with a guy named Mark. And I did.
Gina: Is anyone here named Mark? You're good.
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Gina: Okay, she's had visions, which frankly science cannot account for. Also she can get you amazing deals on ladies footwear. She's assistant manager at Leonard's Designer Shoes.
Carlene: Vision! The drugs are in a location. I see the color blue.
Gina: She sees blue...
Carlene: And yellow. And I see the letter "L," "R," "S," "T," "W," "E" and "B."
Santiago: So basically everyone's first eight guesses in hangman?
Diaz: Thank you, Carlene. Your entire life is garbage.
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Peralta: So Holt's coming on my stakeout now? I've got a mix tape with some very explicit rap on it, and now I can't sing along.
Sgt. Jeffords: You made a mix tape?
Peralta: Yes, I still listen to cassettes. This guy is all over me. I mean a captain on a minor vandalism case? That's insane.
Sgt. Jeffords: What's insane is how you refuse to get with the program. There is a new sheriff in town, Jake.
Peralta: Well, I like the old sheriff. McGintley wouldn't care about a messy desk or all these stupid rules.
Capt. McGintley: Hey! What the hell's going on here?
Peralta: Science experiment. I want to see what happens if I taser this cantaloupe.
Capt. McGintley: Okay.
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Peralta: And McGintley wouldn't care about three minutes late, because he was always an hour late - and hungover. And he would let you do literally anything you want if you gave him a hamburger.
Sgt. Jeffords: Let you play a mix tape?
Peralta: Okay, that's very funny.
Sgt. Jeffords: Get an iPod, man. Mix tape?
Boyle: I just want to apologize for my fellow detectives' behavior. 'Kay my granny also had the gift.
Boyle's Granny: I feel that I will die soon.
Boyle: She was right. She died two years later.
Carlene: Your sincere belief in my gift means a great deal. Vision. The woman you love - the one you work with - the scary one with the black hair...
Boyle: Rosa? Yes?
Carlene: She doesn't love you back; she will never love you back.
Gina: Say thank you, Charles. She just told you your future.
Boyle: Thank you.
Peralta: You left without me.
Capt. Holt: You were late - again.
Peralta: Well I had to put on my undercover minivan disguise. Say hello to Harvey Norgenbloom, CPA. Recently divorced father of two with a dark, sexual secret. What's your cover?
Capt. Holt: Angry captain.
Peralta: 'Kay, so you do not like my ensemble.
Capt. Holt: I'm just concerned that you may find it hard to pursue a criminal on foot while wearing man sandals.
Peralta: But the sandals define Harvey; he's a sandals guy.
Peralta: *sigh* Captain, why the babysitting? Why are you micromanaging me?
Capt. Holt: You think I wanna be sitting here with you instead of running my precinct?
Capt. Holt: It was a rhetorical question. I've spent the last twelve years fighting for my first command, and I'm not going to let you screw it up because you refuse to take your job seriously.
Peralta: Hey, I do take my job seriously. I put away bad guys. That's what matters.
Capt. Holt: Well, so does doing your paperwork, showing up on time, wearing proper footwear...
Peralta: That's on Harvey; that's not me.
Capt. Holt: Well, so here's the deal. You're going to have a superior officer babysitting you on every one of your cases, and when you show me that you can do your job - every part of your job - perfectly, then, I'll back off.
Peralta: Okay, counteroffer. I give you fifty bucks, and you let me do whatever I want. Fine! We'll do it your way. From this point on, I'll do every part of the job perfectly. Perfecter than perfectly.
Capt. Holt: It's more perfectly. You said that imperfectly.
Peralta: I was testing you. You did perfectly. Quick update on the tagger situation. He's currently spray-painting our van right now.
Peralta: Police freeze! Oww-ow-ow. Sandal down. I lost a sandal.
Capt. Holt: NYPD freeze.
Peralta: I'm here. You're busted!
Capt. Holt: I already got him.
Peralta: We got him.
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Peralta: Oh, hey, captain. Hi. So I was able to procure that fifty dollars after all, and my offer still stands. Let me do whatever I want, and the forty dollars, that's how much I actually have, is yours. No? Fair enough - I only have thirty anyway. Well, I guess in order to get you to stop micromanaging me, I'm going to have to get back to the most important piece of police work there is - writing a perfect report.
Capt. Holt: Good, I'm anxious to read it.
Peralta: And I'm anxious to restore my status as a lone wolf. Ahhwooooooooo!
Capt. Holt: Anything else, detective?
Peralta: Yeah, I'm going to do one more. Ahhwoooo-ow-ow-ahwoooooo! Lone wolf. He's digging me.
Peralta: Hey, sarge, do you know where we keep the glitter? I just want to make sure this report for captain is extra sparkly.
Sgt. Jeffords: What are you doing, Peralta?
Peralta: Look, if I have to do things his way, I'm going to do them my way.
Sgt. Jeffords: Okay, man, it was nice working with you.
Peralta: I'm not scared of him, okay? I'm not scared of anyone. Oh, also the tagger drew a penis on your minivan. I'm sorry. Please don't chase after me.
Sgt. Jeffords: What!?! There's a penis on my minivan?
Santiago: High ceilings, three bedrooms, why does every perp have a nicer place than I do?
Diaz: You know what they don't teach you at the academy? It's better to be a criminal.
Boyle: Oh, no. The cabinets are blue.
Santiago: Not a deal-breaker though; I'd just repaint it.
Boyle: The psychic predicted the drugs would be found in something blue.
Carlene: *slow-mo* I see the color blue.
Boyle: She also made this really depressing prediction about my life.
Carlene: *slow-mo* She will never love you back.
Boyle: And if she's right about where we find the drugs that means she's right about the other thing.
Santiago: Uh-huh. Kitchen. Whoa - jackpot. There's way more than twelve keys in here.
Diaz: Where was it?
Santiago: Baseboard - behind the hamper.
Boyle: What color was the hamper?
Boyle: Yes! The clothes hamper was green; the clothes hamper was green! Drinks on me.
Diaz: Huh-huh, you're weird.
Peralta: Sorry this is taking so long - still writing up my report. Pretty detailed. Hey, Gina, can you look up what the humidity was about an hour ago and also what moon cycle we're in?
Gina: No, sorry, don't feel like it, no.
Peralta: Thanks, Gina. And now to you - what's your name?
Trevor: My name is Banana Fartman M.D.
Peralta: I don't believe you. Come on, man, just tell me who you are. I need to fill this thing out perfectly so my boss will get off my back. Are you a minor? How old are you?
Trevor: I'm six hundred and ten - a highlander.
Peralta: Okay, you know what? I'm going to put that in there, and then you're going to be tried as an adult highlander, and they're going to cut your head off. Is that what you want?
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Boyle: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your psychic friend's predictions about the drug case were wrong, which means all of her predictions are wrong.
Gina: Uh-uh. No way. She's never wrong.
Boyle: We found the cocaine behind a green hamper - never said green or the letter "H."
Gina: Mmm-hmm. She said blue and yellow, Charles. I don't know if there's any kindergarteners present, but those two colors combined make green. She also mentioned the letters "L" and "B." And another name for a hamper is...?
Boyle: Lady, bin...laundry basket!
Gina: Ooh, little boo-boo. Can you go be depressed over there? You're bumming out my little area.
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Sgt. Jeffords: Baby, I've got some bad news. Someone painted a giant penis on our minivan. No, you cannot have an SUV now. Those things roll, baby! They roll!
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Peralta: Hey, look at this. Your prints were on file. Nice to meet you, Trevor Podolski. Huh, Podolski, just like Deputy Police Commissioner Podolski. Your father is Deputy Police Commissioner Podolski.
Trevor: I'm not sure how things work here, but does that mean that your career is in my hands?
Peralta: Okay, you know what? Yes.
Santiago: Twenty-point-two kilos - I feel that we can round up to twenty-one.
Gina: Or we can round down to twenty, take the extra zero-point-two, sell it to our clients. Ha-ha-huh.
Santiago: I'll call the D.A. Rosa, you log this in. Charles, maybe watch Gina?
Diaz: So what are you doin' tonight?
Boyle: Nothing. What about you - are doing tonight?
Boyle: Well, I hope you find something to do. *laughs* I'm goin' to pee. That's what I'm doing tonight! No...
Capt. Holt: Deputy Commissioner's son, huh? His decision to target cop cars makes a lot more sense now.
Peralta: We gotta let him walk, right?
Capt. Holt: He defaced nine police vehicles and you caught him red-handed. Why would you let him walk?
Peralta: Captain, I did all the work on this - perfectly. I mean, my report has over twenty-five pages of meticulous research, diagrams and maps. I even put an "About the Author" section on the back.
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Peralta: I did everything you asked me to do. This is above my pay grade. You've gotta make the call.
Capt. Holt: You're the arresting officer; it's your call. I told you to do every part of your job and making this call is part of your job.
Peralta: Yeah, but you think I should process him.
Capt. Holt: Mmm-hmmm.
Peralta: Well if I do, the Deputy Commissioner could ruin my career, and I'll end up on the street selling my beautiful body for a can of beans.
Capt. Holt: Mmm-hmmm.
Peralta: Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like a statue?
Capt. Holt: Yes.
Boyle: Man, you were totally right about the cocaine. And you're also right about Rosa.
Carlene: Who's Rosa?
Boyle: The woman I...
Gina: The woman who doesn't love him.
Boyle: Yes, that one.
Carlene: You know, it can be a burden to always know what's going to happen in your future. Don't get out of the chair! I just had a vision of you leaving this chair and getting seriously injured.
Boyle: Oh my God!
Gina: I should probably wheel you back to your desk.
Carlene: That is a great idea.
Gina: Wheel you off a bridge. Just kidding. *sings* Oh you're alone, uh-oh, you're alone for life.
Peralta: So, here are my options. One: I process Podolski's kid, he fires me, and I spend the rest of my career as a detective third-grade, which is literally pathetic. No offense, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: None taken.
Peralta: Option two: I let him walk, and I spend the rest of my life with Holt as my baby-sitter. Honestly, when I think about spending the rest of my life with a baby-sitter - she's kinda a cute blonde named Erika, and she always has pizza money and lets me stay up as late as I want.
Santiago: How old are you in this scenario?
Peralta: Anyway, the point is Holt cares more about whether I "do my job right" than whether I have a job at all. So I'm taking suggestions.
Santiago: I say piss off Holt, so we get to watch your career end right in front of us.
Peralta: Okay, thank you for that Santiago. We'll put you down for "don't arrest." I'm also going to put your phone number on every urinal in Rickers.
Diaz: Don't arrest. Just smack him - hard - with a phone book on a body part nobody will see. Know what I'm sayin'?
Peralta: So you're suggesting police brutality?
Diaz: Huh-ha. I guess so. Yeah. Why?
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Peralta: Hey, Scully. You want this collar? Paperwork's all done, and it's perfect.
Scully: Podolski kid? Are you kidding? I just gave him my lunch.
Peralta: Okay, Boyle, what do you think?
Boyle: I don't know, man. I'm lost. The universe is a cruel and vexing puzzle. I, I'm at the whim of the cosmos.
Peralta: Alright, I'm going to put you down for bummer, and you can hang out in that category all by yourself.
Gina: Hey, Jake? There's a very sexy, angry official here, Deputy Commissioner Podolski. He's asking for you. Very angry, elderly, sexy, furious.
Peralta: Well, my career is over. See you at the bottom, Hitchcock. No offense.
Hitchcock: No, none taken.
Peralta: Deputy Commissioner.
D.C. Podolski: Where's my son?
Peralta: He is at my desk enjoying a nice glass of bubbly water and some chocolate I was saving for a special occasion.
Santiago: Hey, Peralta. When you're done, can you help me wrap up this massive cocaine bust I just pulled off? Thanks. Oh, Deputy Commissioner, didn't see you there. Sorry for interrupting. Amy Santiago.
D.C. Podolski: Trevor, what'd you do this time?
D.C. Podolski: There you have it; he said he did nothing.
Peralta: So I caught him red-handed doing nothing?
D.C. Podolski: I'm saying there's a possibility maybe you made a mistake.
Peralta: You know normally I would agree with you, but I've been pretty detail-oriented the last few hours.
D.C. Podolski: You might not understand this, but Trevor is a special kid. He makes straight A's; he's going to Duke next year - lacrosse scholarship. Sometimes boys just need to be boys.
Peralta: You do realize he did thousands of dollars' worth of property damage though - to police vehicles?
D.C. Podolski: You know I think we can all agree that I'm ordering you to let this slide. Because nothing happened. This is officially out of your hands.
Peralta: Would you actually mind just checking out my report? It's pretty thorough, and I spent over an hour on fonts - kinda snazzy, so...
D.C. Podolski: Oh, thank you. I'll get right to it. Trevor, let's go.
Diaz: What's up with the chair?
Boyle: Ummm, Carlene predicted if I get out of this chair I'd get badly hurt, so I'm not chancing it. Oh, man, there's no pudding cups left. *Diaz slugs his arm* Awww! What'd you do that for?
Diaz: There. Now you're hurt in this chair. You can get hurt anywhere, Boyle. And if you do, it won't be because some shoe salesman predicted it. You make your own destiny.
Peralta: Well, we don't have to worry about Podolski's son anymore - case is officially out of my hands, no charges filed.
Capt. Holt: Why's there yogurt on this?
Peralta: The Deputy Commissioner threw my report in Terry's trashcan. And he'd been eating yogurt earlier.
Capt. Holt: Terry loves yogurt. Something wrong?
Peralta: Kinda yeah. I called six precincts about this kid. He's been brought in a dozen times - theft, vandalism, drunken disorderly, but he's never been processed. His daddy comes and bails him out every time. He's a lucky little jerk.
Capt. Holt: No, I wouldn't say he's lucky; I feel bad for this kid. I mean, what kind of father cares so little for his son that he lets him get away with everything? Well, someone else's problem now. Like you said, he's outta your hands.
Peralta: Alright, I see what you're trying to do, but it's not going to work. I'm not going to arrest him. I'm going to arrest him!
Capt. Holt: You want backup?
D.C. Podolski: What is this? You can't do this. Get that thing outta here.
Peralta: Excuse me, sir. Trevor Podolski, you're under arrest for vandalism and destruction of property.
D.C. Podolski: What are you doing? I told you to back off, Peralta.
Peralta: First off, the name's Santiago. Detective Amy Santiago. Second, I'm arresting your son. Which, as I say it aloud, seems like an unwise choice, but it's the one I'm making. Once again, my name is Amy Santiago.
D.C. Podolski: You're being stupid, Peralta. Don't be stupid. I can make your life miserable.
Capt. Holt: Commissioner, please don't talk to my detective in that tone. If you have a complaint, you can take it up with me.
D.C. Podolski: You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, Holt. I'm going to be watching you, both of you, like a hawk.
Capt. Holt: You're going to have to try a little harder if you want to scare me. I've been an openly gay cop since 1987, so you're not the first superior officer to threaten me. You know how I'm still standing here? Because I do my job, and I do it right.
Peralta: Damn, son!
Capt. Holt: Don't say "son."
Peralta: Sorry. Deputy Commissioner? If you want to pick your son up, he'll be at the Nine-Nine. Let's go Fartman.
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Boyle: Carlene was wrong, Gina. Rosa said it herself; I'm in charge of my own destiny. I think she wants me to make a move.
Gina: Mmm, but Carlene was also right. You did get hurt, 'cause Rosa punched you. And the fact that Rosa punched you means she does not like you.
Boyle: No, no, she punched me to prove Carlene wrong.
Gina: Oh, wait, I take it back. She definitely is in to you. So much chemistry!
Boyle: I know, it's crazy.
Capt. Holt: Alright, let's get this meeting started.
Peralta: I'm not late. I'm here. Right on time.
Capt. Holt: You're out of uniform, Peralta.
Peralta: Baby steps, captain. Baby steps.
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-Brooklyn Nine-Nine Insider
Original Air Date: Sept. 24, 2013 8:30/7:30C on FOX
Writer: Norm Hiscock Director: Craig Zisk
Summary: When Detective Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg) is late for roll call, Captain Ray Holt (Andre Braugher) assigns him to a graffiti case that Jake feels is below his level. However, when the culprit turns out to be the Deputy Commissioner’s son, the case becomes a major problem. Meanwhile, Gina’s (Chelsea Peretti) psychic friend visits the precinct and gets inside Charles’ (Joe Lo Truglio) head.
Also Starring: Terry Crews as Sgt. Terry Jeffords, Melissa Fumero as Det. Amy Santiago, and Stephanie Beatriz as Det. Rosa Diaz.
Guest Stars: Michael Grant (The Secret Life of the American Teenager) as Trevor; James M. Connor (Parks and Recreation; Watchmen) as Deputy Commissioner Podolski; Artemis Pebdani (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) as Carlene.
Where to Watch (as of Jan. 22, 2014):
Own for $1.99/$2.99 HD: Amazon | iTunes