|Det. Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg) and Det. Amy Santiago (Melissa Fumero) in Brooklyn Nine-Nine's "M.E. Time." Cr: Beth Dubber/FOX|
Brooklyn Nine-Nine Insider News:
Missing Person Report: Where was Gina? It was another great episode, and we loved Det. Santiago's storyline (does that make her the best detective is she's the only one to figure out Capt. Holt?), but a lot of people were also asking where their favorite civilian administrator was hiding. Detectives are still working on the case, but @BryansRoom might be onto something...
“@BryansRoom: @ChelseaVPeretti please tell me you at least played the dead fat guy under the sheet tonight.” I DID! GOOD EYE MATE
— Princess Peretti (@ChelseaVPeretti) October 9, 2013
Capt. Holt Portrait: Isn't that painting of Capt. Holt amazing? Thanks to a tip from Melissa Fumero, you can let the artist, Eric Skotnes, know how much you loved his work and check out some of his other pieces @zoueh_skotnes.
Peralta: 51 | Santiago: 50
Peralta: Captain called. He needs everybody back. There's a lead on the Nightingale Strangler. We're looking for a white male, 5'10", medium build, brown hair, small scar on his right cheek.
Peralta: His M.O. is he finds lonely women with no friends, poisons their food and then guts 'em in his van. It's pretty gnarly. Last seen wearing a salmon shirt, grey blazer. And witnesses have said he has trouble fitting lettuce into his mouth.
Santiago: Okay. Where are you?
Peralta: Apparently has the world's smallest penis and doesn't know how to use it-- Hi there! I'm Jake Peralta, Amy's boss.
Santiago: That's not true. What are you doing here?
Peralta: I'm here on a date. Who is now leaving. Worth it. Have a great night!
Gabe: Your boss seems really nice.
Santiago: He’s not my boss.
Peralta: Yes, I am.
Peralta: And with a record five felonies solved in one week, Peralta pulls ahead. Did you guys hear that I solved five felonies in one week?
Santiago: We heard.
Sgt. Jeffords: You’re the primary. You’re in charge. Take Diaz and Peralta.
Boyle: Yes! My fantasy threesome! Of cops on a case.
|Gifs by jamesmoriartyss|
Capt. Holt: Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
Scully: You got it.
Santiago: I already got my paperwork in, captain.
Capt. Holt: Then I guess this little reminder isn't for you.
Peralta: Wow. Looks like he hates you even more than me.
Santiago: No, he doesn't. We have a good relationship. We're on the same page.
Capt. Holt: Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago?
Santiago: No, sir, I wasn't-- Peralta was the one that was talking.
Peralta: God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.
Santiago: Jokes on you. I skipped fourth grade.
Santiago: Hey, Boyle. I know you haven't had Peralta as a secondary in a while. Be careful. It can be rough.
Peralta: Hey, saboteur, that's not true. I happen to be a very good secondary.
Santiago: So you were just borrowing those cars?
Peralta: Ask him about his bank account. Ask him about his bank account! Ask him about his b-- bank account. You should ask him about his bank account. Captain, Santiago broke the glass.
|Gifs by bodiebroadus|
Santiago: You can't give up control. You're terrible at taking your primary's orders. You just do whatever you want. I could go on and on and on.
Peralta: Is something no lover of yours has ever said.
Peralta: Look, I can be an amazing secondary, and I’ll prove it.
Boyle: I know you will Jake-in-a-Box.
Peralta: Don’t ever call me that again. I’m driving. We should leave now. Carry my bag. But you should pick the music, primary.
Boyle: *singing* Consider yourself part of the furniture, there isn't a lot to spare. Who cares, whatever we've got we share! [Brooklyn99Insider: From the musical Oliver! - see the movie here or get the Broadway version of "Consider Yourself."]
|Gif by gargoyles42|
Santiago: It’s a great picture, sir.
Capt. Holt: I hate it.
Santiago: Me too.
Capt. Holt: Are you bowing?
Santiago: No. This is how I walk.
|Gif by bodiebroadus|
Diaz: What do you need Quasimodo? I gotta go meet Boyle and Peralta.
Santiago: Is there something wrong with the captain? It seems like he’s in a bad mood.
Diaz: I don’t know. Who could tell?
Diaz: You alright, captain? Tough weekend?
Capt. Holt: I went to Barbados with my husband. We wove hats out of palm fronds and swam with the stingrays. I've never been happier.
|Gif by confidentialityspice|
Diaz: Guy's impossible to read. Don't even try.
Capt. Holt: That is, without question, the funniest story I've ever heard.
|Gif by wickedstepmother|
Peralta: Wow! This guy must have weighed 500 pounds. I think we have an idea what killed him. Spoiler alert: it was not starvation.
Boyle: Any signs of forced entry or a struggle?
Peralta: You sure about that? Looks like maybe his belt had a pretty epic struggle with his stomach.
Peralta: I'm calling natural causes. We got heart medicine over here, home defibrillator, and a frequent customer gift basket from the cardiac wing at Brooklyn Methodist. This case is open and shut. Just like his mouth was constantly. That was my last fat joke. 'Kay?
Santiago: Hey, Sarge? You know how you’re really good at, ummm, doodling?
Sgt. Jeffords: I know you think you’re complimenting me, but calling them doodles is an insult. You a big fan of Picasso’s doodles?
Santiago: Sorry. Can you please draw a perp for me? The sketch artist is out sick, and the captain wants this done right away. He’s in a bad mood.
Sgt. Jeffords: Is he? I can never read him.
Sgt. Jeffords: You look chipper, captain. You have a fun weekend?
Capt. Holt: There was a small fire in my home. I lost many photo albums of treasured memories. I’m devastated.
|Gif by confidentialityspice|
Santiago: Ma’am. Can you please describe the perp to Sergeant Jeffords?
Sue: Yeah, he had, ummm, dark curly hair and a neck tattoo and...
Sgt. Jeffords: Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Let’s start with the eyes. Were they desperate? Lonely? Did they betray heartache?
Sue: They were brown.
Sgt. Jeffords: Do you even want your purse back?
|Gifs by confidentialityspice|
Peralta: First off, I've told four [fat jokes]. And second, I'm helping. I mean, I started cataloging the contents of the fridge, but it turns out there's not enough paper on Earth. Five fat jokes. *Arnie laughs* Thanks, Arnie. See, Arnie thinks I'm doing great.
Diaz: Arnie, shut up. Jake, for once, just hang back and let Boyle do his job.
Peralta: Uhhh, fine. Unless I get a direct order from Boyle, I'll stand here motionless like a wise, old oak tree.
Diaz: You look like an idiot.
|Gifs by liaduval|
Mrs. Patterson: We were going on a cruise together next week. He had pre-purchased the unlimited soda package.
Boyle: I'm sure the soft drink industry morns his passing.
Peralta: Hey. Can I ask you guys something? Can you keep a secret?
Diaz: Do you know anything about my life?
Peralta: No, I do not. Good point. Okay, so, you know the new medical examiner. I kinda had sex with her last night.
Peralta: Oh, sorry. I forgot who I was talking to. Sex is something that two adults do with their bodies when they’re attracted to each other.
Diaz: He’s right, Santiago. Do you not know that?
|Gifs by samanthapanther|
Peralta: Anyways, back to last night. As you would imagine, I’m normally up for pretty much anything in the bedroom, but I can’t tell if what happened was weird or sexy.
Dr. Rossi: You have a really nice chest.
Peralta: Thank you.
Dr. Rossi: I’d like to crack it open and get my hands all are over your organs.
Dr. Rossi: I wonder how much your appendix weighs. *gasps* Oh, it's inflamed.
Peralta: Alright. Wait, that's bad, right?
Dr. Rossi: Yeah, it is.
Peralta: Oh, no...
|Gif by gargoyles42|
Dr. Rossi: Oh, what do we have here?
Peralta: A 34-year-old Caucasian male who is dead. Very dead.
Dr. Rossi: Mmm... Cause of death?
Peralta: Initial assessment - blunt force trauma.
Dr. Rossi: But what do I find when I probe a little farther?
Peralta: Bruising around the neck and ocean water in the lungs.
Dr. Rossi: Oooo... How long have you been dead, body?
Peralta: Four days...
Dr. Rossi: Gross. Bloating. Odors.
Peralta: Oh, ummm...24 hours...
Dr. Rossi: Perfect...
[Brooklyn99Insider: See an additional 10 gifs at Brooklyn99Insider.tumblr.com.]
|Gif by dieahero|
Santiago: Stop, stop, stop. Weird, weird, weird.
Peralta: Rosa, what’s your call? Weird or sexy?
Peralta: Hah...I knew it. But also kinda sexy?
Diaz: No. Weird.
Boyle: I once had sex on a futon, and it was in couch mode.
Santiago: Sarge, all of these are fine. How much longer you gonna work on this?
Sgt. Jeffords: It’s questions like that that made Van Gogh cut off his ear. You can’t put a clock on art. ...Ten minutes.
|Gif by cindymayweather-isonhiatus|
Scully: Well, how do you even know he’s in a bad mood? I mean it’s impossible to read that guy.
Capt. Holt: This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in my life! Get your act together, or so help me God, you won’t live to see retirement!
Scully: It’s like, what’s that guy thinking? You know?
|Gif by confidentialityspice|
Santiago: I can read him. And if anyone can figure out what's bothering him, it's me. He and I are exactly the same. Except that I'm younger, Cuban, female, single and straight.
Scully: Captain Holt’s not gay. Captain Holt’s gay?
Santiago: Seriously, man. Just retire.
Capt. Holt: Good. But don't ever bup-bup-bup-bup me again.
Peralta: Right. I...
Capt. Holt: Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup...just go.
Peralta: Yup, I'm going to regret teaching him that one.
Diaz: Jake went to get the autopsy report?
Boyle: I know. Isn’t he the best? I mean, he’s really coming into his own as a secondary. I want to get him something nice. Does he come across more as a Pinot guy or more of a Syrah?
Peralta: Ahhh...thank goodness you are here. I am so lost. Do you know where the vending machines are?
|Gifs by gargoyles42|
Peralta: Wait, like a murder-murder or like his mouth murdered him by making him eat so much food that his heart exploded?
Boyle: You guys have been down here two hours. What, did you have sex 40 times?
Peralta: Forty times?
Boyle: I'm your primary, and I asked you to do something. So if it's okay, I'd like to be upset with you.
Peralta: It's okay. It's okay times two.
Peralta: Okay, fine. I will act as your assistant, because I am a wonderful secondary. How gross could it be?
Dr. Rossi: I'm just going to need you to hold open his chest cavity for me.
Peralta: Ohhh...wow. Okay, I can do that. It's no big deal. Just like holding open some slimy elevator doors. For a family of aliens. Oh my God!
Scully: You could be a professional artist, boss. Like on the boardwalk.
Sgt. Jeffords: You think I should draw caricatures? That's garbage art. I don't draw giant-head people on surfboards.
Scully: I'm saying you could do that good.
Purse Snatcher: I gotta say, I always hate how I look in pictures, but that is so flattering. Also, I'm innocent. You got the wrong guy.
Santiago: It'll cheer the captain up. He'll be over the moon. He may even lean back in his chair a little and nod slightly.
Sgt. Jeffords: This is a lot of pressure. If I'm gonna do this, it has to be done right. Scully! Get me my oils.
Scully: Paint or massage? I’ll get both.
Dr. Rossi: You know, this is one of the most unhealthy people I've ever seen. It's like cutting into a big, overstuffed ravioli.
Capt. Holt: You can knock with your hands. Saying it is ridiculous.
Santiago: Okay. Well, I know you're having a bad day...I think you're having a bad day. So, to cheer you up I had Terry do this painting to replace the photo you hated.
Capt. Holt: I threw away the photo, because I think it's ostentatious to hang pictures of yourself especially when you haven't earned a place on the wall.
Capt. Holt: But you would have me hang an oil painting of myself like I'm a North Korean dictator. What, no ornate gold frame? Why'm I not astride my noble stead, clad in armor?
Santiago: We could add a horse.
Capt. Holt: You just wasted your time, Terry's time, and now my time on this when you should've been filing a report on the purse snatcher.
Santiago: Oh, I did. It's already in the system.
Capt. Holt: Ohhh, good. Thank you. Dismissed.
Dr. Rossi: Here are the contents of his stomach.
Peralta: Oh, that's where they went.
Dr. Rossi: Yeah, you could. Or you could stay for a postmortem.
Peralta: Nope. Sorry. The spell has worn off. No more weird dead guy sex for me ever again. It's nothing personal. I just think sex is for the living. Isn't that right, buddy? Oh my God! He has no eyes! Ahhh, that's terrifying!
Santiago: I figured out why you've been so tense. You're worried about the monthly crime statistics.
Capt. Holt: That's not your concern.
Santiago: I just checked the stats myself. Our arrest numbers haven't improved since you got here; they're exactly the same as last month!
Capt. Holt: If this is your strategy to cheer me up, it's backfiring.
Santiago: Sir, I don't think you realize how good flat numbers are. I went back twelve years. A precinct's numbers almost always get worse under new leadership. But ours didn't. That's a win. It's just your first month. Morale is much higher. People are working harder. You're well on your way to earning a place on that wall.
Capt. Holt: Thank you, Santiago.
Santiago: You know, we’re birds of a feather, you and I.
Capt. Holt: I hate clichés.
Santiago: Clichés are the worst. [Brooklyn99Insider: But if you like them, check out this extensive list of clichés.]
|Gifs by godyoutalkpretty|
Peralta: And for the record, the inside of his body was very gross.
Boyle: Noted. My only question is, why'd you do it?
Mrs. Patterson: Oh, he drove me to it. He had affair after affair. He was a real Don Juan.
Peralta: Permission to make a fat joke?
Peralta: Are you sure you didn't mean Don Flan?
Boyle: Thanks. Nice.
Brooklyn99Insider: Kudos to @jakeperalta99 for this find!
Don Flan! pic.twitter.com/ZQW55B40dY
— Jake Peralta (@jakeperalta99) October 9, 2013
Original photo by Erin Hammeke
Diaz: Sarge, that painting is tight.
Sgt. Jeffords: It's terrible. The brush work is sloppy. It's a poor use of negative space. I'm a fraud.
Capt. Holt: Not at all. I'd like to take this home for my husband. He'll be glad you made me look so happy.
Sgt. Jeffords: I was trying to make him look serious. I still can't read him.
Diaz: No one can.
Santiago: I can. He likes it.
Diaz: Nice job, Boyle. Nailed it.
Peralta: Here-here. Of course he did. He's a great primary. And I'm sorry I was such a bad number two. I may, for the first time, have been a bit of a jerk. And I'm sorry.
Boyle: What a wonderful moment.
Peralta: I agree. It is a wonderful moment!
Boyle: What a wonderful moment!
Peralta: Rosa, do you agree?
Diaz: It's alright. It's alright.
Peralta and Boyle: *singing* Wonderful moment, between two guys.
Diaz: You sure you’re not just sneaking off for more weird dead guy sex?
Peralta: We will never speak of that again. Never.
Boyle: God. Crazy day, huh?
Diaz: I hate small talk. Let’s drink in silence.
|Gif by mystifyinglane|
No need for small talk, just please share this blog with these links:
-Brooklyn Nine-Nine Insider
ORIGINAL AIR DATE: Oct. 8, 2013 8:30/7:30C on FOX
WRITER: Gil Ozeri DIRECTOR: Troy Miller
SUMMARY: Much to the team’s annoyance, Peralta hits on an attractive medical examiner, Dr. Rossi (guest star Mary Elizabeth Ellis), at a crime scene and holds up the autopsy report. He learns his lesson when Dr. Rossi turns out to be more than he bargained for. Meanwhile, Santiago’s purse-snatching case is stalled when the sketch artist is out sick, but she discovers that Sgt. Jeffords has hidden artistic talents.
CAST: Andy Samberg as Det. Jake Peralta; Andre Braugher as Capt. Ray Holt; Terry Crews as Sgt. Terry Jeffords; Melissa Fumero as Det. Amy Santiago; Joe Lo Truglio as Det. Charles Boyle; Stephanie Beatriz as Det. Rosa Diaz; Chelsea Peretti as Administrator Gina Linetti; Dirk Blocker as Det. Hitchcock; Joel McKinnon Miller as Det. Scully
GUEST CAST: Mary Elizabeth Ellis (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) as Dr. Rossi
Where to Watch (as of 2/5/14):
Subscription: Hulu Plus
Own for $1.99/$2.99 HD: Amazon | iTunes