|"The Vulture" (guest star Dean Winters, R) intimidates Det. Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg, L) in Brooklyn Nine-Nine's "The Vulture." Cr: Eddy Chen/FOX|
Peralta: 62 | Santiago: 62
Santiago: I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing. I was terrified he'd die in my backseat...or flash me.
Diaz: My oldest collar was 78, but the PCP made her fight like she was 20.
Scully: What about two 50-year-old twins? Does that count as a 100-year-old?
Santiago: No good.
Boyle: You talking oldest bags? Sixty-eight.
Santiago: That's not that old.
Boyle: Yeah, but I was only 20.
Peralta: Twenty? Were you even a cop then?
Boyle: No, man, it was before I got into the academy.
Diaz: Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.
Everyone: Nooo... Ewww!
Boyle: No...yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yeah, oldest arrest. Sixty-eight, like I said.
Peralta: God! You had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?
Boyle: You know how it is. When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you--
Peralta: No, that is not an older woman. That's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
Boyle: She was actually. That's how I met her. I went to college with her grandson Marvin. Don't--don't knock it 'til you try it. She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a transformer.
Peralta: That is no one's fantasy.
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Peralta: Well, like I told Captain Holt earlier this week, we are at the one-yard line. It's a football reference.
Sgt. Jeffords: Yes, Jake. I played linebacker at Syracuse.
Boyle: Really? In high school, I played center field in the musical Damn Yankees.
Peralta: Yeah, you don't want to brag about that.
[Brooklyn99Insider: Though a nod to Terry Crew's football career, he played football at Western Michigan University.]
Peralta: Get ready for some stuff on a screen. Meet Fred Gorman - prominent citizen, lawyer, corpse. Now meet his wife, Ann Hoert. She did not take his last name, but I believe she did take his life.
Peralta: Thank you, Charles. Now Hoert had means, motives and opportunity. I just need to find the murder weapon. For some reason the D.A. won't move forward with the arrest until we find the knife she used.
Capt. Holt: Is that reason that they want to win the case?
Gina: Uh-oh. He probably wants to talk to you about how your shirts aren't tight enough probably.
Peralta: I'm about to solve this case, meet the mayor and sell my life rights to Channing Tatum, so he can play my less attractive brother in a student film.
Peralta: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone...except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.
Santiago: Will you just let us help?
Peralta: Okay, fine. I will let one of you help me - Charles.
Peralta: And I am choosing Charles because he's the least likely to steal my thunder.
Boyle: I would never steal his thunder. I--I'd be afraid to borrow it.
Capt. Holt: Terry, I'd like you to accompany me to a gun range.
Sgt. Jeffords: You mean drive you there and wait outside far away from the guns?
Capt. Holt: The mannequin incident. I'm familiar.
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Sgt. Jeffords: Actually, there was an incident after that.
Capt. Holt: Another incident?
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Capt. Holt: You used to be the precinct's champion marksman. I only want to take pointers from the best, so I'll keep it low-key. We'll go after work to a private range, no cops, no pressure.
Gina: BLAM! BLAM-BLAM! Gun range.
Capt. Holt: I told Gina she could join us.
Gina: I want to get certified. There has been a ton of crime in my neighborhood, and the cops in my precinct are very bad.
Capt. Holt: You live in our precinct.
Gina: Yeah...I know.
Peralta: I know we've gone over this before, but I have to ask you again. Is there anywhere you can think of in that hallway where a knife could be hidden?
Doorman: Well, since I've already told you like three times, no, why don't I just record it? Then I don't have to say it again. The hallway, like all other hallways, does not have a secret knife-hiding place. All right, you want to hear it again? *recording* Idea for a novel: A mild-mannered doorman gets bitten on the penis by a radioactive spider and becomes the world's greatest lover.
Peralta: No, don't stop it. I want to hear what happens.
Doorman: He saves the first lady, if you must know.
Peralta: Sounds compelling.
Peralta: *shushing a baby while on the phone with Diaz*
Diaz: Don't shush me. I'm helping you!
Peralta: No, no, I'm holding a baby.
Vulture: What's up, little man?
Boyle: What's up?
Vulture: Feeling sexy? Huh?
Boyle: Yeah, I feel sexy.
Vulture: You look sexy, man.
Boyle: You know I do.
Vulture: Watch out for that door.
Boyle: We call him the vulture because he swoops in and solves cases that are almost solved and takes the credit for himself.
Capt. Holt: Yes, Boyle, I put that together from context.
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Peralta: I used them [the team]. I mean, Rosa's the one who figured out the corkscrew. And Charles caught a dog.
Capt. Holt: Well, congratulations, Detective Boyle. You should've involved him sooner. Turn over your files to Detective Pembroke.
Boyle: Sir, call him "The Vulture." Giving him a name makes him human.
Capt. Holt: Turn over the files.
Peralta: Fine. But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly. Thank you. God! This is so boring!
Capt. Holt: For both of us.
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Vulture: You know, before I solve this case, I'd like to thank you for doing all the super-easy work. You know, the real Nancy Drew-level stuff.
Peralta: Oh, yeah? Did Nancy Drew solve a lot of murders?
Boyle: Yeah, she did. Murder on Ice, Recipe for Murder. Nancy was a wonderful detective. I wanted to be her when I grew up.
Peralta: Thanks, Charles. That's helpful!
[Brooklyn99Insider: Nancy Drew is the helpful one. She has currently solved mysteries in 175 books in the original series; 124 "The Nancy Drew Files" books; 69 "Nancy Drew Notebooks"; 25 "Nancy Drew on Campus" books; 47 "Girl Detective" books as well as five movies and three TV shows. Girl (and Boyle) power!]
Vulture: Hey! Should we take odds on how fast I'll solve this case?
Vulture: I mean, what was it with Diaz's last "impossible" extortion case? What was it, six hours?
Diaz: That's because it was 98% solved.
Vulture: The last 2% is the hardest to get. That's why they leave it in the milk.
Vulture: Oh, wow! Looking good, Santiago. You foxy ma.
Santiago: Go rot in hell.
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Vulture: Thanks, champ. Good effort. I got it from here. And, hey. You feel free to call me anytime you need me to come down here and help powder that big white ass of yours. *slaps Peralta's ass*
Peralta: Well, that's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Peralta: Ugh. I hate the vulture so much!
Diaz: Me too. But he is kind of hot. What? You can hate people and still think they're hot. Case in point, Manuel Noriega.
Peralta: You know what? I'm with you on this. Tonya Harding.
Diaz: Yeah, she's thick.
Barista: Skim white chocolate macchiato for Charles.
Vulture: I got it from here. *grabs Boyle's coffee*
Boyle: I used a gift card for that!
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Peralta: God, I just--I want to get back at him so bad! I wish I could throw his cell phone in the toilet or slash his tires--I don't know.
Diaz: Or slash his gorgeous throat.
Boyle: I cannot figure you out.
Peralta: Okay, I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of a revenge plan. Best idea gets 50 bucks. Throw 'em on out.
Boyle: What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is dead? Like they died of cancer.
Peralta: Charles, that is so dark. I'm putting it down.
Gina: Like this? Mm, mm, mm!
Sgt. Jeffords: No! Gina! We've been over this.
Gina: Well, show me! Like wrap your thick, muscular arms around me and...
Sgt. Jeffords: Alright. Look. Now hands here, stand up straight, chin forward.
Gina: Hold on, my nose itches.
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Gina: That's eight! He did it!
Capt. Holt: That was only seven.
Sgt. Jeffords: Why are you counting my shots? Are you trying to have me recertified?
Capt. Holt: Yes. If you make eight of ten shots, I can sign off on you carrying a gun again. Gina's here as an official witness, and I thought it'd be easier for you in a no-pressure environment.
Sgt. Jeffords: I can't believe you tricked me!
Capt. Holt: You're too good a cop to be shackled to a desk. Now, you only have one hit until you get recertified. So, deep breath, huh? Take the final shot.
Sgt. Jeffords: Don't overthink it. Just relax and breathe. Bring air into your lungs like you've done your whole life. *whimpering* Oh, my God. Guys! How do you breathe? I forgot how to breathe! Is it two in, one out?
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Boyle: What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it with a hair dryer? Little trick I learned in gift basket making class.
Peralta: Alright, here's what we're up to. Steal his kidney, burn down his house, replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues. Thank you, Charles.
Boyle: You're welcome.
Peralta: Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet. Note: he would have to own a cedar closet.
Diaz: He seems like he would.
Peralta: Uh, sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave. Thank you, Charles. Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down. Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default, Charles' motorcycle idea is the winner.
Boyle: Yeah! Winning by default.
Peralta: Anybody know where the vulture lives?
Diaz: On third, right near here.
Boyle: How do you know that?
Peralta: Alright, give me your hair dryer.
Santiago: What are you talking about?
Peralta: Don't you carry one in your purse?
Santiago: Have you ever met a human woman?
Scully: There's a drugstore four blocks away. I'm on it.
Peralta: Oh, no. Scully traveling four blocks? That could take weeks.
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Capt. Holt: Take the shot, sergeant.
Sgt. Jeffords: I just need a second.
Capt. Holt: You've had 18 minutes of seconds.
Gina: Gina's authentic stolen police badges. How can I help?
Peralta: Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?
Gina: Of course, I'm not an animal.
Peralta: Great. I need you to bring it to the vulture's apartment.
Gina: There's someone named "The Vulture"? Tell Rosa - she'd be into that.
Boyle: Come on!
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Peralta: Alright. We're angry. We're getting revenge. We're a little bit tipsy. We should not be driving. We're taking the bus.
Boyle: I love the bus!
Peralta: Apparently he was having an affair, and it was not the first time. Two years ago, she caught him with a dog walker who was walking his dog, if you know what I mean.
Santiago: I get it. You want to be the best. We all do. You just don't have to be such a butthead about it. What?
Peralta: I just can't believe you would call me a butthead.
Santiago: Shut up.
Peralta: That's so harsh.
Sgt. Jeffords: It's just the target looks exactly like a friend of mine. It's just freaking me out.
Capt. Holt: You have a friend who's just a silhouette?
Sgt. Jeffords: Yes! Let's all just count to a million. One, two, three, four, five, six...
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[Brooklyn99Insider: Top Gun SPOILER Alert!]
Sgt. Jeffords: So then Iceman says, "You can be my wingman any day." And then Maverick says--
Capt. Holt: I've seen the film, sergeant.
Gina: I haven't. What happens next? Goose comes back, right? He's not really dead.
Sgt. Jeffords: *sighs* Goose is gone.
Sgt. Jeffords: I know!
Peralta: I say we role-play - see if something sparks. *changes voice* Darling, thank you for a lovely dinner. Perhaps we should have one more drink before bed.
Boyle: *high-pitched voice* Don't you "darling" me, you philanderer.
Peralta: No, you're the husband. The husband had the affair.
Boyle: I'm always the victim. I don't want to be the victim.
Peralta: Okay, Charles is the door.
Boyle: No. I'll be the victim. Don't make me a door again.
Hitchcock: The body. The corkscrew's still in the body.
Peralta: No, you're terrible at this. Go sit down.
Santiago: Okay, I want in, but I only want to stab you. *points to Peralta*
Peralta: Fine. Charles, door.
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Peralta: You have a ten-pound flashlight in your purse, but not a hair dryer?
Peralta: Uh, I can't see far enough down. Someone's gonna have to go down in there. Someone with narrow shoulders.
Boyle: No! I have broad shoulders. I have narrow hips, but broad shoulders.
Capt. Holt: Apparently, our detective squad has gotten drunk, compromised a crime scene, and an officer has gotten stuck in a trash chute. I need you to lead this squad, Terry. And I mean really lead it. I hope you take the shot.
Vulture: Hell yeah, I'm upset. Your team disrupted a crime scene over which they have zero--zero jurisdiction. They were publicly drunk. Apparently one of them pressed all the buttons on the elevator. Only maybe he just bumped up against the panel with that big white ass of his.
Boyle: This is the proudest moment of my career. AH!
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Santiago: Oh my God, you guys, we out-vultured the vulture! *caws*
Peralta: What the hell was that?
Santiago: What? It's a vulture.
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Sgt. Jeffords: I should've been on you guys more. And starting now, I will be. But if you ever do this again, I swear I will crush your head in one hand.
Peralta: Look, it's not your fault either. And it's not the vulture's fault. It's Amy's. I know. I know. It's mine. It's mine. God, I do not love how this worked out.
Peralta: Detective Pembroke.
Vulture: Now what?
Peralta: I'd like to cordially invite you to calm down, especially considering that this case has already been solved...by you! Looks like you found the murder weapon. It's a good thing you realized it was magnetically stuck to the inside of the trash chute. Congratulations.
Peralta: Here it comes. *Vulture smacks Peralta's ass* Why does he keep touching my butt?
Vulture: Stay foxy.
Santiago: Die lonely.
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Peralta: Well, case closed. Good work, everyone. Let's, uh, call it a night without any further discussion.
Capt. Holt: No! All of you broke into a crime scene under the influence of alcohol, overstepped your jurisdiction, and disobeyed my direct orders. Everyone involved tonight is gonna get written up.
Peralta: Okay, fine. Here's everyone who was there. Jake Peralta, J. Peralta, Dr. Jacob Peralta, who has a Ph.D. in slow-jam studies from Funktown State University. Also involved was the right honorable J--
Capt. Holt: Okay, enough.
Peralta: My point is it was a Peralta special, sir. No one else was there.
Capt. Holt: Well, detective, I'm happy to see you're learning how to be part of a team.
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Gina: Ultimately, it was our raw sexual chemistry that helped him overcome his crippling fear.
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Gina: You should just stay in the office all day every day and be my bestie. You could join my dance troupe, Floorgasm. We're looking for a man of precisely your--
Sgt. Jeffords: It's gonna be a long road, but I'm ready to get myself back in the game.
Capt. Holt: I know you will.
Sgt. Jeffords: I mean, eventually...not tonight. I need to go hug my baby girls. Excuse me.
Peralta: Well, sometimes in life, you just have to take the high road. *timer rings* Oop! Time's up!
Boyle: Can't wait to see it.
Peralta: Ah, here we go. That's good suction. Oh!
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Peralta: "Dear Vulture, enjoy my big white ass. -Jake." Here you are. Always take the high road, Charles. Always take the high road.
-Brooklyn Nine-Nine Insider
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ORIG. AIR DATE: Oct. 15, 2013 8:30/7:30C on FOX
WRITER: Laura McCreary DIRECTOR: Jason Ensler
SUMMARY: “The Vulture,” a detective (guest star Dean Winters) from Special Crimes, takes over Detective Peralta’s nearly solved murder case and steals his thunder. Over a few drinks, Jake enlists the precinct to get revenge and find the murder weapon before “The Vulture” does. Across town, Captain Holt and Gina help Sgt. Jeffords get re-certified to carry a gun.
GUEST CAST: Dean Winters as Det. Pembroke aka "The Vulture" (Det. Cassidy on Law & Order: SVU; Dennis Duffy on 30 Rock; Mayhem for Allstate); Andy Richter as Doorman (Conan; Arrested Development)
CAST: Andy Samberg as Det. Jake Peralta; Andre Braugher as Capt. Ray Holt; Terry Crews as Sgt. Terry Jeffords; Melissa Fumero as Det. Amy Santiago; Joe Lo Truglio as Det. Charles Boyle; Stephanie Beatriz as Det. Rosa Diaz; Chelsea Peretti as Administrator Gina Linetti; Dirk Blocker as Det. Hitchcock; Joel McKinnon Miller as Det. Scully
Where to Watch (as of Jan. 30, 2014):
Subscription: Hulu Plus
Own for $1.99/$2.99 HD: Amazon | iTunes