The best quotes, photos, gifs & Brooklyn99Insider news from Brooklyn Nine-Nine's episode "Sal's Pizza."
Peralta: A virus got on the server and sent all of us an email with everyone's search histories. Check this out. Sergeant Jeffords searched the Internet for "undiscovered muscle."
Terry: I was working out and saw a muscle in my shoulder I'd never seen before. I thought it might've been a scientific discovery.
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Gina: Listen to this. Scully searched for "how much fudge is in a calorie?"
Scully: I never found the answer, but it was a good question.
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Diaz: Boyle looked up, "how to make desk yogurt." [Brooklyn99Insider: Did the work for you. Thanks Martha Stewart for the recipe, but I'll still buy it from the store.]
Boyle: Yes, I did, and I am thrilled with the results. Although the jar is really hot.
Peralta: That's gross. And Amy searched for "Daniel Craig hands" plus "close up." Ugh.
Santiago: You should talk. You searched for "cheapest date possible."
Peralta: And I wear that search like badge of honor. [cut scene] So, ready for dinner? Here we go. Do you want something sweet or maybe savory? Apple pie...and I'm stuck.
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Boyle: I mean, any food-related crime is a tragedy.
Brooklyn99Insider: Fire Marshal Boone (played by Patton Oswalt) or simply Marshal Boone received his name as a sly wink to Marshall Boone, Associate Producer of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Guys, anytime you need to name another character or an extra dog wrangler on the set, I'm here for you. ;D
Peralta: Hey, Boone. What are you doing here, you nimrod?
Boone: Uh, there was a fire. Big question is, what are you doing here? What, did somebody call in a missing doughnut?
Peralta: Uh, actually someone reported they couldn't find your head. But we found it. It was up your butt. You're a fireman; you should know how to treat that burn.
Boone: Joke's on you, 'cause this is a fire, which means it is fire department jurisdiction. So why don't you back off and let New York's bravest handle it?
Peralta: You know they only call you that because "New York's best at spraying stuff with water" is too wordy.
Boone: Ha, well, it's too bad we all can't be as awesome as New York's finest, which by the way, sounds like my mom describing her dishware, which... and she's dead, so let's tread lightly on the response.
Peralta: That's not fair.
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Peralta: You know what? You're not invited to our next murder.
Santiago: Your wish is my command.
Capt. Holt: No, that was actually a command. So my command is your command.
Santiago: Well, then I guess you still have all three of your wishes.
Diaz: You're not a genie.
Santiago: I know that. Okay, we're leaving.
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Diaz: "Where do farts go?" ...I was reading Scully's searches. Hey, why'd you do a search
for "magic-themed singles night"?
Santiago: My last four dates were really boring, so I thought I'd mix things up.
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Diaz: Ropesburg P.D. offered me a job as their new police captain. I turned it down.
Santiago: Oh! You...captain. Oh...that's super...super cool. *rolls away*
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Peralta: If we're gonna figure out what happened at Sal's, we've gotta get past those firemen. We need access. How 'bout this? We light a bunch of fires throughout Brooklyn, and when the firemen go to "fight the fires," we walk right into Sal's, the crime scene's ours.
Boyle: Why do we want to start a turf war with the fire department? I feel very uncomfortable saying this to you, but it doesn't seem like it's worth it. Unless you think it is?
Peralta: I do. Like I said, Sal's is an institution, and it's the best pizza in the neighborhood.
Boyle: I'm sorry, Jake, Sal's is only the eighth-best. I put out a weekly Brooklyn pizza-ranking email blast. Sal's has the fourth-best texture, ninth-best crust, twelfth-best cheese, and honestly, they're only seventh in mouthfeel.
Peralta: "Mouthfeel"? What is that?
Boyle: The inside of your cheeks are very sensitive. It's like the inside of your thighs, except with a tongue.
Peralta: Oh, God. Look, no, Sal's has the secret sauce recipe that puts all the other pizza places to shame. But more importantly, Fire Marshal Boone is incapable of conducting a crime investigation. All fire marshals are doofuses, but Boone is King Doofus of Doofus Island.
Boone: Gasoline? I'm pretty sure that's water. Only one way to tell. *throws cigarette at puddle & starts fire*
Peralta: There were more ways to tell.
Terry: Captain, here's the mope who hacked our computer system. His mother turned him in. His name is Corey Park.
Savant: My name is Savant.
Terry: His web handle is "Savant." His people name is Corey Park.
Capt. Holt: Why'd you target us with your computer virus, Corey?
Savant: I don't know; I was bored, and it was easy to break into your weak-ass system. It was like taking candy from a baby.
Terry: Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don't give candy to a baby! They can't brush their teeth!
Capt. Holt: Yes, sergeant, it is unwise to give babies candy.
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Capt. Holt: If it's so easy for this gentlemen to break into our system, we may need to hire a new I.T. director. Why don't you and Gina get together on that?
Terry: I doubt I'll need Gina's help. I'm sure she's busy anyway.
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Peralta: What are you two doing here?
Kevin: You're a detective, you detect it out.
Scott: Good one, bro.
Kevin: I know, bro.
Scott: Yeah, bro.
Peralta: Wow, it's like watching Meet the Press.
Scott: It's not a file, bro. It's a donut, because you're cops.
Scully: Would you like me to, uh, file that for you, Jake?
Peralta: Just ask for the donut, Scully.
Scully: Can I have the doughnut, please?
Peralta: Oh, fire department questions. Let me guess. "Uh, what part of my face do I put food in?" "How do you count to one?" "What's air?"
Boyle: Mario is number ten overall in Brooklyn and rising fast. He might've wanted to move up the ladder.
Peralta: Of one foodie weirdo's personal pizza email blast?
Boyle: It'll be the perfect opportunity to update my rankings. Can we stop at home for a pizza bib?
Peralta: No, Charles, we gotta go fast.
Boyle: Right, right, I'll just use my work bib.
Peralta: No, no bib.
Scully: Hey, guys, I think I put my gun in one of these boxes, and I don't know which. ... Found my gun. It was in my holster. My holster's on my butt.
Santiago: Good solve, Scully.
Boyle: Mario, this pie needs work. Good consistency on the crust, but the cheese-to-sauce ratio is a travesty.
Peralta: Do you have to spit?
Boyle: In a word, yes. Amateurs go tasting, they fill up, and they lose their palate by the third slice. I take this very seriously.
Gino: The night of the fire, I was at the prison giving a motivational speech on how parolees can turn their lives around.
Peralta: Well, it's good to hear that the system works, and you are welcome.
Peralta: Grab your spit bucket, Boyle. Those hose monkeys can't stop us.
Gina: Query: What's your favorite Jay-Z song?
Simon: I'm sorry?
Gina: Favorite Jay-Z song?
Terry: She's kidding.
Gina: Hmm. No, I'm not. What is it?
Simon: I don't know.
Terry: I'm sorry about her.
Gina: But seriously, what's your favorite Jay-Z song?
Simon: I don't know! "Big Pimpin'"? It's "Big Pimpin'"!
Gina: Mmm, wrong answer, friend.
Gina: Yeah, we're all just calm, cool, collected... BLAHHH! Oops. Was that a little sudden?
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Gina: *Gina flossing during interview* I'm sorry, I just have a skootch of gingivitis. So I'm trying to treat that as best I can. Sorry. You seem disgusted.
Santiago: TV, computer..."Ster-b-eo"? Uh-oh, spelling error. That's not very captain-y.
Diaz: Oh, my God, enough.
Santiago: I just think that you meant "stereo," not "ster-b-eo." Did you mean "ster-b-eo," captain?
Peralta: These firemen are not moving. We gotta distract 'em. Tell 'em your little boy's cat got stuck up in a tree.
Boyle: Ooo, undercover work. I love it. I need more back story. First off, can it be my daughter's cat?
Peralta: Okay, but if you get made because of that, it's on you.
Boyle: Fine. Let's talk about the cat. Short-hair, long-hair? Tabby?
Peralta: Short-hair, calico. The son is adopted. Your wife is in a coma.
Boyle: Oh, that's brutal. I like it. Hey, guys? Guys, I really need your help. My little boy, Brian, my angel, I bought him a short-haired calico after my wife fell into a coma - motorcycle crash. And now the cat's stuck in a tree. He's a cute kid. Kinda looks like you. Handsome guy. Handsome little guy. Brian was adopted, so he has abandonment issues. Just struck out at tee-ball last week. Everyone called him "Cryin' Brian."
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Brooklyn99Insider: Boone's fire station filming took place at 710 S Santa Fe Ave., Los Angeles. Yes, not in New York, but hey, we want co-creator Mike Schur to keep making Brooklyn Nine-Nine AND Parks and Recreation, right? That's why they are filming in L.A.
Capt. Holt: I apologize, Marshal Boone, for Detective Peralta's actions, something I find myself doing quite frequently.
Peralta: In my defense, I was the only one saying we should stop hitting. [cut scene] Stop hitting them! Kicking them will hurt more!
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Boone: Okay, I'm a reasonable man, so I'm just gonna say this. Fire Peralta immediately. He started a fight. He overstepped his jurisdiction. And he's obsessed with this pizza place.
Peralta: What I'm obsessed with is how you're bungling this investigation. They should write a song about it called "Welcome to the Bungle." Seriously, why are you dragging Sal's pizza through the mud? That place is special. [Brooklyn99Insider: Yup, now I have that song in my head.
Capt. Holt: Why's it special?
Peralta: Because it's the best pizza in the neighborhood!
Capt. Holt: According to Charles' email blast, it's actually number eight.
Boyle: Captain reads my blast.
Capt. Holt: Of course, it's the only one that measures mouthfeel.
Peralta: What, are you kidding right now?
Capt. Holt: This isn't about pizza. What's it actually about?
Peralta: When I was a kid, I was shortstop on my little league team.
Boone: Oh, my God.
Peralta: It's the truth. It's not a brag. My dad was the coach, and after every game, he would take the team to Sal's. Halfway through our last season, he left me and my mom, and the worst part about it was that I couldn't go with him to Sal's anymore.
Capt. Holt: Well, that's certainly not what I expected this to be about.
Boone: *crying* Sorr...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that happened to you. I mean, what kind of dad just...just leaves his son like that? Look, you're...you're a cop and...and I'm a firefighter, but underneath all of it, we're just two boys whose dads abandoned them. And you and I, we're gonna solve this thing, together. Okay?
Boone: Okay. But first, let's hug like men.
Peralta: Oh, boy. This is happening.
Boone: *more crying* Captain, get in here.
Capt. Holt: There, there. There, there. There.
Boyle: I'm coming in.
Peralta: Oh, Boyle.
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Santiago: What's going on? Did you drive me out here to kill me?
Diaz: I thought about it, but then I put that thought on hold.
Brooklyn99Insider: The establishing shot for the Ropesburg Police Department is actually a shot of the Belmont Police Department, 460 Concord Ave., Belmont, MA. Any Brooklyn99 fans living in Belmont?
Santiago: Can I ask what happened to the last captain?
Diaz: He quit to start a carpet cleaning business, because that was better than being captain here, because this is the most boring place on earth.
Santiago: She doesn't mean that.
Sgt. Crawley: It's okay. It's true. Gotta be known for something.
Terry: Well, the interviews got a little off-track, but I'd go with Simon Walker. Computer science degree, worked for the Board of Ed. for ten years...
Gina: That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay-Z three times in a row.
Capt. Holt: Why does that matter?
Gina: Because whoever takes this I.T. job is gonna have to deal with Hitchcock asking how to log in to his email every single day - forever. How do you think Professor Short Fuse is gonna handle that?
Terry: Fine, what about this guy?
Gina: Mmm, no. He was scared of everything. Do you remember Rosa's reaction last time the printer jammed?
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Diaz: I'll pay for that.
Terry: Fine, what was with the flossing?
Gina: Mmm, a precinct is a pretty gross place, Ter-Bear. There's blood, wounds, Scully's feet. You need a strong stomach, and that lady did not have one. Plus, we already have the perfect candidate already: Savant.
Terry: That punk who hacked us?
Gina: Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, like Paris Hilton re: her sex tape.
Capt. Holt: Get to the point.
Gina: Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up, taller and thicker than ever.
Terry: But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?
Gina: His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady paycheck to get out of that snitch's house. If I had a mic right now, I'd drop it.
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Peralta: Well, it's hard to believe I'm gonna say this, because I've spent most of my adult life hating you and everything you stand for, but...thanks.
Boone: I'm not gonna lie, my therapist is gonna be very proud of me.
Boone: Wait, wait, wait. I can't believe I'm offering this to a cop, but... Do you want to take the pole down?
Peralta: Whee! Let justice be served. Did you get it?
Boyle: Uh-huh. My turn?
Peralta: Nope. No time.
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Peralta: So I guess there's only one thing left to say.
Peralta & Boone: Gino Bianucci, you're under arrest...
Boone: Excuse me.
Peralta: Do you mind?
Boone: This is my collar... Peralta: I think I can handle this.
Boone: If I'm not wrong. Peralta: Yeah, but I actually did all the work.
Boone: See, I knew you would... You know what? Fine. Go ahead, I don't care. *really fast* Gino Bianucci, you're under arrest for arson. Yes! Said it first.
Peralta: Real mature. Very mature.
Diaz: It's whack, and you know it. Their number-one crime is tricycle theft. There's a bakery attached to the precinct. Come on, Santiago. You never would've taken that job, so why'd you even care that they offered it to me?
Santiago: I can't help it. I'm competitive. I have seven brothers, and I was the only girl. I always had to fight for a place at the table.
Diaz: Well, you're not the only girl at the table anymore. We work in a police force full of dudes. We gotta have each other's backs, okay?
Santiago: You saying you have my back?
Diaz: Yeah, I got your back. Don't smile. I'm still mad at you.
Santiago: I thought we were having a moment.
Diaz: Moment's over. Shut up.
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Hitchcock: Hey, sarge. He made my computer smarter. All I have to do is put my thumb on that thing, and it opens up all my electric mails.
Savant: You seem real smart, man. Oh, and look, and you play with toys.
Terry: Savant, you're part of the nine-nine now. We look after each other. Hey, ball, if savant was to do anything to harm this precinct, would I destroy him? Answer uncertain. Try again. [Brooklyn99Insider: It's too bad Amazon doesn't sell Magic 8 Balls in bulk.]
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Peralta: Oh, look at that. I've been Booned. Well, the joke's on him, because I was out of shaving cream.
And there you go; the "Sal's Pizza" Recap. If I had a mic right now, I'd drop it. But I don't. However, I do have links, so please click them!
-Brooklyn Nine-Nine Insider
ORIG. AIR DATE: Nov. 19, 2013, 8:30/7:30C on FOX
WRITER: Lakshmi Sundaram DIRECTOR: Craig Zisk
SUMMARY: When Sal's Pizza burns down and the fire marshal (guest star Patton Oswalt) quickly assumes that the owner is the prime suspect in the investigation, Jake does everything in his power to prove him wrong, even if it means stepping out of his jurisdiction. Meanwhile back at the precinct, chaos ensues when a computer virus publishes everyone's browser history in the all-new "Sal's Pizza."
GUEST CAST: Patton Oswalt (Constable Sweeney on Justified; Neil on United States of Tara) as Fire Marshal Boone; Joey "Coco" Diaz (Jhoey on My Name is Earl) as Sal; Andrew Friedman (Charlie's Uncle Jack on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) as Lawyer; Tim Trobec as Kevin; Wayne Temple as Scott; Christian Ford as Lance Legweak; Allen Evangelista (Henry Miller on The Secret Life of the American Teenager) as Savant aka Corey Park; Bruno Amato as Mario; Vince Cefalu as Antonio; Patrick Robert Smith as Gino; Andy Forrest (Kyle on Parks and Recreation) as Sergeant Elmore Crawley; Timothy Horner as Simon; Landall Goolsby as Thomas; Mary Stein as Melanie; Miles Platt as Young Jake.
CAST: Andy Samberg as Det. Jake Peralta; Andre Braugher as Capt. Ray Holt; Terry Crews as Sgt. Terry Jeffords; Melissa Fumero as Det. Amy Santiago; Joe Lo Truglio as Det. Charles Boyle; Stephanie Beatriz as Det. Rosa Diaz; Chelsea Peretti as Administrator Gina Linetti; Dirk Blocker as Det. Hitchcock; Joel McKinnon Miller as Det. Scully
Where to Watch (as of Feb. 23, 2014):
Subscription: Hulu Plus
Own for $1.99/$2.99 HD: Amazon | iTunes