Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Christmas Recap: Brooklyn Nine-Nine S1E11

Memorable Moments:

The best quotes, photos, gifs & Brooklyn99Insider news from Brooklyn Nine-Nine's Christmas episode.

Peralta: NYPD! Santa, stop hitting Santa.
Little Santa: I've been on this corner for six years. Suddenly this bozo shows up.
Big Santa: Hey, you don't own this corner. I got a charity too.
Little Santa: Canine diabetes? Who cares about fat dogs?
Big Santa: They can't give themselves shots; they got paws.
Peralta: All right. Calm down, calm down. Boyle, frisk the skinny one.
Boyle: I've gone 42 years without a lump of coal. I'm not gonna start now.

Brooklyn99Insider: If this scene put you in the holiday spirit (because who doesn't love an old-fashioned Santa fight?), make sure you get your theme music -  "Christmas in Hollis" by Run-D.M.C.

Peralta: Knife! Skinny Santa's got a knife!
Boyle: Ahh! That's right. Boom! Just kicked Santa in the testicles. Merry Christmas.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Santiago: You look happy. Let me guess. Your egg sandwich fell on the floor, and they gave it to you for free.
Peralta: No. Can you do that? Why doesn't everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?

Santiago: I was trying to insult you.

Peralta: And instead, you gave me an amazing life hack.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Santiago: The gift is for Captain Holt. It's one of six presents I got him representing the six lessons that he's taught me: Determination, wisdom, posture...
Capt. Holt: Excuse me, everyone. As you may know, this is the holiday season. Detectives sometimes feel the urge to buy their captains holiday presents. Please refrain from doing so. Under no circumstances do I want a present.
Santiago: Oh, my God, I have to return so many items.

Peralta: Ah, Merry Christmas, chief. And a very Merry Christmas to you, captain. Ho, ho, ho! 
Chief Gerber: Captain Holt has received a number of death threats.
Peralta: Oh. I really came in here with the wrong energy.
Capt. Holt: Captains receive meaningless threats all the time. It's really no big deal.
Peralta: Of course, totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that's right. 'Cause it threatens death.
Capt. Holt: It's a hoax. I didn't wanna alarm the squad. So, please, keep this between us.
Peralta: Awesome. I'm great at secrets. Santiago got you like six presents.
Chief Gerber: Well, it may be a hoax, but protocol dictates that Captain Holt have a security detail with him at all times. He's chosen you for that detail.
Peralta: Interesting. And not at all surprising. I'm his favorite. Tell me, what would this job entail?
Chief Gerber: You'll be assigned to Captain Holt. You'll be entirely in control of his movements.
Peralta: Amazing.
Chief Gerber: He will not leave your sight. You have the authority to make decisions that you feel are in the best interest of his safety.
Peralta: Oh, my God.
Chief Gerber: Basically you'll be completely in charge.
Peralta: Oh, well, it sounds really tough, but, of course, I accept, and I will be willing to put my life at risk for this man to have to follow all of my orders. Thank you! This is the best Christmas ever. God bless us, everyone!

Boyle: Hey, my flight is at eight tonight. It's domestic. You think I'll be safe if I get to the airport five hours early?

Gina: Five? No way! You gotta do seven. Seven minimum.

Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Gina: Why are you going on a singles cruise? I thought you were into Rosa.
Boyle: Well, I am. But I've begun to feel like there's a slight chance Rosa may not love me back. [cut scene] Hey, how about we grab some dinner tonight, just you and me?

Diaz: That's nice, and I like you as a person, but I'm just not interested in you...romantically.

Boyle: Coolio!

Boyle: Hey, what say you we grab a drink?
Diaz: You're starting to make this weird. I'm not into you that way, and I have a boyfriend.

Boyle: Got you. Rain check.

Boyle: A rose...for Rosa.

Diaz: Listen to me! The healthy thing for you to do is move on.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Boyle: So we both decided the healthy thing for me to do is to just move on.
Gina: I'm impressed, Charles. That's very mature.
Boyle: Thanks. You know what's funny? I realized I sometimes--

Gina: Oh, no, don't get comfy. This wasn't an invitation to keep talking.

Boyle: Gotcha. Rain check on the convo. Yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Santiago: Now, the captain won't allow us to give him all the presents we bought him.
Diaz: You are the only one that did that.
Santiago: But we can make him the greatest Christmas card of all time. We're gonna Santa hats and big sweaters and take a picture of us all in a lineup.
Terry: I'm sorry, Santiago, but I don't have time for that. My psych evaluation is today. They're gonna decide if I'm ready to make it back on the streets.
Gina: Why do you care what they think? Psychologists are just people who weren't smart enough to be psychics.

Full gift set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Boyle: Sorry. I gotta go too. My flight is in...ahh, eight hours. I can make it. Buy a sandwich on the plane.

Gina: I could take a pic of myself dressed up as an elf. Elfie-selfie.

Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Capt. Holt: You gonna sit there all day?
Peralta: Affirmative, Stone Eagle. That's the Secret Service codename I gave you. Just sitting here doing my job, watching, protecting, bossing you around. Now, for your safety, if you could open up your Internet browser and search the words "pigs" and "jet skis," and that's an order. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Where you going, Cold Mountain? I changed your codename.
Capt. Holt: To use the restroom.
Peralta: I'm only asking this for your safety. Is it a number one or a number two? Your silence indicates number two. Let me do some recon. It's all clear, sir. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Cold Mountain is on the move. I repeat, Cold Mountain is rolling to the can.

Psychologist: But for today, let's fixate on those fears.
Terry: Okay. Um. That sounds fun.

Psychologist: Let's begin by talking about your baby girls and your wife, and, uh, what would happen to them if you died in the line of duty.

Terry: I popped your pillow.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Capt. Holt: I'm going home to work in peace.
Peralta: That's a negative, Ice Veins. Changed your codename again.
Capt. Holt: Do you know why I chose you to be my security escort?
Peralta: Because I'm a modern-day Sherlock Holmes? [Brooklyn99Insider: I'm going to assume this is a direct reference to BBC's Sherlock, because everyone should watch this brilliant series.]
Capt. Holt: No, I chose you because the threat is not real. And I thought you'd have no problem breaking the rules and letting me get my work done. Now...let me go.
Peralta: Well, you thought wrong. You can't go home. It's protocol. But if you really wanna get outta here, you can come to my mom's. She lives nearby. Or I can lock you up in the holding cell with an armed escort. Totally your call.
Capt. Holt: Fine. We will go to your mother's house. I guess I am curious to see where...this all started.

Peralta: So...this is my mom's place. You can just throw your jacket in the closet.
Capt. Holt: That's a bathroom.
Peralta: Water closet. My mom's British.
Capt. Holt: Hmm. Why are there no photographs of you? No holiday decorations. Nothing but...motel art. This isn't your mom's apartment.
Peralta: It's a safe house, son! You've been protected.

Capt. Holt: Don't say "son." Get outta my way.

Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: Look, you wouldn't stay at your desk, and you evaded your protection detail. I'm sorry, but I've gotta order you to stay. I love giving you orders.
Capt. Holt: The only way you're gonna keep me here is if you physically stop me. Can you do that, Peralta? I didn't think so.
Peralta: *handcuffs them together* Jordan. *tosses handcuff keys down a vent* Oh, no. We're handcuffed together, and we've lost the key. Falconer one to HQ, Stone Eagle is in the cage. I repeat, Stone Eagle is in the cage.
Capt. Holt: I told you the death threat was not serious. So what on earth are you doing?
Peralta: Look, I know you think that I'm just goofing around, but I got a direct order from your boss
to protect you. So from this point forward, we're on lockdown.
Capt. Holt: Fine. But before we go into lockdown...
Peralta: Too late. You're on it.
Capt. Holt: I'd like to text my husband and tell him I'll be coming home late tonight.
Peralta: All right, but for security reasons, I get to craft the message. Let's start with a pleasant greeting. How about... "Hello, honey."
Capt. Holt: You will not craft the message.
Peralta: Okay, Roger that. "Honey's" wrong. How about "hello, husband"? How about "hello, sir"? You call each other "sir"?

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Santiago: Thanks for helping me make this card. You're so good at this stuff.
Gina: I know. I'm good at everything.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Santiago: She never smiles. Is her mouth broken?

Gina: Well, what about if we...flip those lips?

Santiago: Oh, God. That's horrifying.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Hitchcock: Guys... I got this. I can make Rosa smile. Just keep your cameras ready. Making coffee? Can you make another cup for Señor Tickle and his nueve amigos? Tickle, tickle, tickle!
Diaz: What the hell, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: Ow, ahh! Ow, ow, ow! I think you sprained Señor Tickle.
Diaz: Next time, I break it off.

Peralta: All right. My safe house, my rules. This is a no tie zone. A hungry safe house is an unsafe safe house.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: A fun safe house is a safe safe house. My serve. Ah. I thought you said you've never played this. [Brooklyn99Insider: Ah, Wii Tennis. I'm more of a Wii boxing myself.  ;D  ]

Capt. Holt: It's very intuitive.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: A safe house watching Safe House is a safe safe house house.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Capt. Holt: I've already seen the film. I enjoyed it.
Peralta: Wow, I would not have guessed that. You see, those are the kind of things that you learn when you're handcuffed together. And that is the true meaning of Christmas.

Capt. Holt: Standard protocol suggests that you put me in another room before you open the door. But since you've cuffed us together...
Peralta: I order you to be quiet. ... Freeze, sicko!
Boyle: Jake, it's me, Charles! From work!

Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Psychologist: Okay, let's switch gears, do a little word association. What do you think of when I say the word bottle?
Terry: Liquor store, holdup, gun, die.
Psychologist: How about grass?
Terry: Marijuana, drugs, gun, die.
Psychologist: Cat.
Terry: Kitten. Cute. Calm. False sense of security. Gun, die.

Full git set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: Boyle, what are you doing here? I thought you had to catch a flight.
Boyle: I do. My flight is in six hours! But the captain texted me to come, so I'm here.
Peralta: What? You texted Boyle when you told me you were texting your husband? As the person who's completely in charge here, I am very disappointed in you. I'm changing your codename to "Bad Boy."
Capt. Holt: Oh, I can't imagine what it's like to be disappointed at someone under your command.
Peralta: Okay, I see what you're doing. Tushy.

Capt. Holt: It's touché.

Peralta: Well, I'm in charge, and I say it's tushy. Boyle?

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Boyle: I've heard it both ways. Please don't involve me in this. I'm just here to uncuff the captain and take him to his old precinct.
Peralta: What? Old precinct? Wait a minute. You weren't going home at all. You were going to investigate the threat, because it's not a hoax; it's real!
Capt. Holt: Wrong, it's not real.
Peralta: You're lying! You have a tell. When you lie, the corner of your mouth moves, and it just moved.

Peralta: Don't do it, Charles. I'll take you on that trip to the botanical gardens we've always talked about.
Capt. Holt: Uncuff me, and that's a direct order.
Peralta: Don't do it, best friend. Botanical gardens.
Boyle: Ah! This is just like Christmas at my parents' house. Why do they have separate dining rooms? *handcuffs himself to Capt. Holt & tosses the key down the vent*
Peralta: NO! That was not one of the options! 
Boyle: I couldn't choose; I love you both so much.
Peralta: Who wants to watch Safe House?

Peralta: So, including letters, e-mails, and texts from a blocked phone, we have received ten threats. How many people have you put away that might want you dead?
Capt. Holt: I've arrested over 600 people.
Peralta: Brag. Boyle, will you please read the transcripts of the threats he's received?
Boyle: Yup. "Die, die, die." "Die, Holt, die."
Peralta: Okay, a little obvious.
Boyle: "You will drown in your own blood."
Peralta: Better. Although I would've gone with the whole, "I'm gonna staple my face onto your face" thing.
Boyle: Human skin mask. Classic. The next one is "I'm gonna send you off the deep end."
Peralta: "Drowning" and "deep end." Almost sounds like he's talking about a swimming pool.
Capt. Holt: It's Haimes.
Peralta: Aha! Who's Haimes?
Capt. Holt: Colin Haimes, the Freestyle Killer. He took out an entire 4x100 meter relay swim team in 1982.
Peralta: The Freestyle Killer. Man! How come all the killers you've caught had such cool names? [Brooklyn99Insider: Remember the Disco Strangler?] The best name I ever brought in was "Narrow Shoes" Sam, because--
Capt. Holt: His shoes were narrow and his name was Sam. I get it.
Peralta: Yeah, you get it.

Peralta: Together, we figured out it was Haimes, and together, we're gonna take him down. Because together, we can do anything.

Santiago: Oh, my God, Rosa! I accidentally opened your mail, but look what it says. "Dear Miss Diaz, you just won--"
Gina: Rosa, guess what. I accidentally opened your mail, and here's what it says. "Dear Miss Diaz, you just won--"
Santiago: No, I'm reading the letter, and you're taking the picture.
Rosa: Ha! You were trying to get me to smile for your dumb picture, but you messed up.

Santiago: She smiled. She's smiling! And no one has a camera.

Full gif set on http://Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Scully: Got it, Amy. Got a picture of you frowning. That's what you wanted, right?

Peralta: Look, captain, you're stubborn. And that's an adorable quality. You wanna know what's not an adorable quality?
Boyle: Acne.
Peralta: Being dead.
Boyle: Yep, being dead. [Brooklyn99Insider: Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr.)

Peralta: I mean, I give up. What's going on with you? Why are you being so weird about this?
Capt. Holt: I don't need your help. I don't wanna involve you, or Boyle, or anyone. Because I  brought this situation on myself. No one should get hurt because of a dumb mistake I made as a brash, young detective. [cut scene] Hey, Haimes. You're gonna spend the rest of your life in a little cement room doing nothing. And while you're in there, I'm gonna go for a swim. And after that swim, I might take another swim. And you'll just be sitting there on your metal toilet, thinking of me swim, swim, swimming all day long.
Peralta: Wow. I think I really would've gotten along with young Ray Holt.
Capt. Holt: Yes, that's why I decided to change everything about my life.

Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: Well, frankly, sir, you're still acting like that brash, dumb detective. If you had truly changed, you'd be saying a bunch of boring, responsible stuff like "Don't be stupid. Use the detective squad. You're part of a team. I smell like sandalwood."
Boyle: That's what it is!

Santiago: Sir, I'm sure you had your reasons for going to Peralta, but...this is exactly the type of job I would love to have.
Capt. Holt: Okay, the next time someone threatens to kill me, I'll come straight to you.
Santiago: Thank you, sir. I can't wait. I...didn't mean... Let's catch this bastard.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: Hitchcock and Scully, update on your secret project?
Scully: Hazelnut coffee'll be up in five minutes.
Hitchcock: Sumatran's ready to go.

Peralta: I know there's no point in telling you not to come, but while we're out there, you're sticking with me.
Capt. Holt: Oh. Goodie.
Peralta: Man, you really know how to take the fun out of saving your life.

Scully: You heard him, Hitchcock. Get that Sumatran in the thermos.
Hitchcock: I'm on it.

Peralta: If things go south, I just want you to know it's been an honor being able to boss you around.
Capt. Holt: Anything else?
Peralta: Yes. What cute little nickname do you call your husband?
Capt. Holt: Kevin.
Peralta: Adorable.

Brooklyn99Insider: Not long after this episode aired, we learned who was cast as Holt's husband. And Kevin IS adorable.  ;D

Peralta: Hey. When this is all over, we should take a train trip together. Just for fun. Go, go, go, go, go!

Haimes: Thought about you every day I was in jail just like you said. I thought about pointing a gun at you and pulling the trigger. Kinda like this.
Terry: Noooo! *Terry tackles Haimes* Terry's back! Terry's back!

Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Capt. Holt: Nice work, Jeffords. Nice work, Peralta.
Peralta: Captain, you're doing it. You're emoting.

Diaz: I need an ambulance. Boyle's down.
Boyle: Ah, what happened? Am I dead?
Diaz: You saved my life.
Boyle: Oh, my butt! Oh, my butt.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Brooklyn99Insider: In a great gif set, godyoutalkpretty drew a great connection from this shooting to the psychic prediction Boyle received in episode two "The Tagger."

Psychologist: Show me how Terry sees Terry. Oh, no.

Terry: Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Psychologist: Excuse me, we are...
Gina: Yeah, can it, quack. Captain Holt needs your help. His life is in danger.
Psychologist: Oh, sergeant...I do not think that you're ready.
Terry: I'm ready.
Gina: Mm-kay, bye!

Capt. Holt: I'm sorry I've been so difficult. You were right. We couldn't have caught him without the team.
Peralta: Well, well, well. It appears the student has become the teacher. And the teacher hath become...
Capt. Holt: That's enough.

Peralta: Team pop and lock. Here we go! Whoosh! *Capt. Holt doesn't continue the wave* Come on, still? We saved your life! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's happening! Whoa, whoa! *Capt. Holt does the wave* Yes! We did it!

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Brooklyn99Insider: Does everyone seem extra happy in this scene? "We did it" had extra meaning, because the cast and crew received amazing news during this shoot: Brooklyn Nine-Nine received a full season pick-up! See more of their celebration here.

Boyle: You know, everyone should just go home and enjoy their Christmas. You don't need to stick around here for me.
Peralta: Shut up. No one's going anywhere. What you did was amazing.
Santiago: Yeah, Boyle, that was some superman stuff.
Capt. Holt: Yeah, you did the Nine-Nine proud.
Peralta: No ifs, ands, or butts. Sorry, it's just right there. Literally. It's just right in front of me. His butt is right in my face.
Boyle: I have to tell you guys something. Even though I got shot...
Peralta: In the butt. Sorry.
Boyle: I'd rather be here, spending Christmas with all of you, than on some stupid singles cruise. And I mean that, from the bottom of my--
Peralta: Butt. Again, sorry. *Rosa hits him* Ow!
Diaz: Shut up, Jake! Boyle's a hero. And so is his butt.
Santiago: I got it! She smiled! Christmas card complete.
Peralta: He got shot in the butt.

There are additional Brooklyn Nine-Nine gifs on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr. And in the holiday spirit, please make sure to share:

-Brooklyn Nine-Nine Insider

Episode Breakdown:

ORIG. AIR DATE: Dec. 3, 2013 8:30/7:30C on FOX

WRITER: Dan Goor   DIRECTOR: Jake Szymanski

SUMMARY: Capt. Holt (Braugher) receives death threats and Jake (Samberg) is put in charge of his security, a job he enjoys and abuses as much as he can. Meanwhile, Amy (Fumero) attempts to get the precinct to take a Christmas photo for Capt. Holt, but a lack of enthusiasm and Rosa’s (Beatriz) refusal to smile defeats her efforts. And Sgt. Terry Jeffords (Crews) gets his mojo back.

GUEST CAST: Ric Sarabia as Little Santa; Will McLaughlin as Big Santa; Mark Berry as Department Chief Gerber; Jamie Denbo (Beth in The Heat) as Dr. Hillary Bergner; Kirk Bovill as Collin Haimes; Brendan Norman as Young Collin Haimes

CAST: Andy Samberg as Det. Jake Peralta; Andre Braugher as Capt. Ray Holt; Terry Crews as Sgt. Terry Jeffords; Melissa Fumero as Det. Amy Santiago; Joe Lo Truglio as Det. Charles Boyle; Stephanie Beatriz as Det. Rosa Diaz; Chelsea Peretti as Administrator Gina Linetti; Dirk Blocker as Det. Hitchcock; Joel McKinnon Miller as Det. Scully

Where to Stream (as of March 25, 2014):

Subscription:   Hulu Plus

Own for $1.99/$2.99HD:   Amazon   |   iTunes

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