Saturday, April 19, 2014

Pontiac Bandit Recap: Brooklyn Nine-Nine S1E12



Memorable Moments:


The best quotes, photos, gifs & Brooklyn99Insider news from Brooklyn Nine-Nine's episode "Pontiac Bandit."


Gina: This is so fun! I wish you guys got shot more often.


Peralta: What're you wearing, there, buddy?
Boyle: Oh, none of my pants fit over my butt cast. Lucky for me my mom lent me her leg warmers.
Peralta: That is lucky.
Santiago: Pretty sweet scooter.
Boyle: Yeah, I know. Check out these donuts. Whoo-hoo!
Peralta: Oh, that went terribly. Can I help you with something?
Boyle: Nope, nope. Everything's under control. I picked up a couple reacher grabbers. Yeah. So I'm able to do everything that I used to do. So now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make myself a morning cup of coffee like I do every day. [Brooklyn99Insider: Yes, you could call it by the boring name of pick-up tool (the one they use on the show is a PikStik Pro - oooo, fancy!), or you can call them Reacher Grabbers and create holsters for them! Now I want one because I'm short AND because I want to keep talking about my reacher grabber!]


Boyle: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Hot coffee in my cast!



 Boyle: Ah! Ah... Cold milk. Cold milk.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Doug Judy: *singing* Rosa. Rosa, Rosa. Oh, yeah. Beautiful Rosa...
Diaz: I think he's into me.
Peralta: What do you do to these perps?
Diaz: Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac.




Diaz: Anyway, he said he wants to speak to "John or Jack Peralta or whatever."
Peralta: What does he want with me? And should I change my name to Jack Peralta? That sounds badass. Jack Peralta, crocodile hunter.




Diaz: He said he wants a deal. He has some information about some dude who steals Pontiacs.
Peralta: Pontiacs? He knows about the Pontiac Bandit? Listen to me; he specifically said he knows a guy who steals Pontiacs?
Diaz: Yeah, I just said that. Chill, man.




Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Doug Judy: Hey, Diaz? Come here and talk to me.
Peralta: This dude is super horny.




Scooter: Please get out of my way. I am physically disabled.
Boyle: One of these buttons... Sorry, sorry.
Capt. Holt: Oh, you don't have to apologize for anything, Boyle. You were shot in the line of duty, defending a fellow officer.
Boyle: You know, the doctor said that if the bullet was two millimeters to the left and a foot higher, I might never have walked again.
Capt. Holt: Everyone here appreciates your heroism, Boyle. We all want your first day back to be as pleasant and as comfortable as possible. Right, detectives?
Terry: Absolutely. Hey, Boyle. You want to choose where we order lunch from today?
Boyle: Really!? You're lifting the lifetime ban? I thought my lunch choices were "horrifying adventures in diarrhea."



Santiago: Today, Charles, we take that adventure with you.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Boyle: Alright! I've been craving Sudanese all day! I'll print out some menus.


Capt. Holt: Ouch. You ran over my foot. I am in...incredible pain.



Gif set on Brooklyn99Inside's Tumblr

Doug Judy: I used to work at a chop shop. It was chill. Decent hours, good benefits. You could work while you were high. Which I never did, cause that's irresponsible. Anyway, we did a lot of work for this dude who stole Pontiacs.
Peralta: The Pontiac Bandit!
Doug Judy: Okay. We called him Bill, but, whatever.
Peralta: No, not whatever. The Pontiac Bandit is my nemesis. I've been chasing this guy for eight years. He's stolen hundreds of cars, all of them Pontiacs. He's never left any evidence, and he's never been caught on cam. The guy is a ghost.
Doug Judy: Super ghost.
Peralta: He's a super ghost!
Diaz: Before we go any further, we need to know if you're for real. Describe the guy.
Doug Judy: Asian dude. Maybe 5'8", spiky black hair. Rocks in both ears. Always wears a black suit. And speaks with a British accent. Like my girl Dame Judi Dench. I have impeccable tastes.
Peralta: So would you say he looks sort of like...this?
Doug Judy: That's Bill.
Peralta: This is a composite sketch from ten interviews I've done. Perfect match.
Diaz: So all you know is what a bunch of other mopes have said over the years. Anything else?
Doug Judy: Yeah. I know how to get in touch with him.


Capt. Holt: My husband's dog Cheddar had relations with our neighbor dog Karate and produced these two smaller dogs. He insisted that I find them a good home with someone we trust.
Santiago: You can trust me. Dogs are my whole life. Also work. Doing work and hanging with dogs. That's my lifestyle. *sneezes*


Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Capt. Holt: You're allergic to dogs, aren't you?


Santiago: Nope. I just need an EpiPen because my happiness is making my throat close up.

Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Capt. Holt: Hand me the small dog, Santiago.


Capt. Holt: How many cars would you say this Pontiac Bandit has stolen?
Peralta: Two hundred-thirty that I know of. But the real number could be in the millions.
Capt. Holt: You're not very good at math. What are the charges against Judy?
Diaz: Twelve counts of identity theft, but I've been chasing him for a month.
Peralta: Oh, a month? I've been trying to catch the Pontiac Bandit for eight years. You know how many months that is?
Diaz: Ninety-six.
Peralta: Eighty...forty... and six years, months.
Capt. Holt: Do you need a math tutor? Because the department will provide one for you.
Peralta: I can't tell if you're being serious.




Peralta: Look, this guy is for real. A thousand push-ups.
Diaz: A thousand push-ups, really?


Peralta: Yes.
Diaz: Okay. I'm in.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Capt. Holt: What's a thousand push-ups?
Peralta: Oh, we were in the academy together, and we hated all the drills, so now when we're on a case and one of us says a thousand push-ups, it means I'm so sure I'm right that if I'm wrong, I'll do a thousand push-ups.
Diaz: It's a pact we made. It really just means "trust me." And I do.
Capt. Holt: Okay. Make the deal.
Peralta: Yes! I've got you now, Pontiac Bandit. Whoo! Feels good to finally say that in front of actual people instead of just the mirror.


Doug Judy: She doesn't know I'm a criminal. She thinks I own an architecture firm with all white employees.
Peralta: That's racist.
Diaz: Why stop there? Why not tell her you're an astronaut?


Doug Judy: Cause space is scary. You saw what it did to Sandy Bullock.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: Yeah, I'm with him on this one. I'll stay on Earth, thank you very much.
Brooklyn99Insider: Count me in with the I'll-just-watch-Gravity-not-experience-it crowd.


Peralta: Come on, Rosa. We can play-act with his mom for two minutes to get a lead.
Diaz: Fine. One false move, and I tase you in front of your mom.


Doug Judy: Mama, this is my girlfriend, Rosa. And this is my personal assistant, Mangy Carl.
Peralta: Aw, it's nice to meet you. You can just call me Carl.
Doug Judy: Mangy Carl used to be a homeless gentleman. I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-their-luck white people.


Peralta: He's just a big, old angel. He's been so good to...the whites. ... Hey, speaking of which, we should probably grab that phone, you know, so you can get back to architecturals.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Diaz: I love getting to know people. It's my jam.


Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Boyle: Oh, how good is this food?
Santiago: I'm eating it.
Gina: They accidentally put a stone in mine.
Boyle: Oh, no, no, no, no, that's the hoof! That's the best part of the stew! Oh, man. Think of it as marrow nugget wrapped in a thick toenail. Mmm. [Brooklyn99Insider: It's called Kawari. Waste not, want not, right?] Hey, did I tell you guys what the doctor said?
Gina: Mm-hmm. Couple times.
Terry: But we'd love to hear it again.
Boyle: He said that if the bullet was a fraction of an inch to the left and two feet up, it woulda hit my brain.


Gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: *texting* "Back in the game. When can we meet?" 
Doug Judy: Damn, you're a good assistant. I could get used to this.
Peralta: How long till he usually gets back to you?
Doug Judy: Like ten minutes. Chill, mangy.
Peralta: I can't chill. I've never been this close before.
Doug Judy: I gotta admit, your enthusiasm makes me want you to catch him.
Peralta: Thank you. Are these laserdiscs?
Doug Judy: Yeah, I robbed a Tower Records back in '92. Kept my faves.
Peralta: Doug Judy. Ooh. Blade Runner, TRON. Oh! Fievel Goes West?
Doug Judy: Yes, sir. Love that little mouse. His journey...the story of America.
Peralta: I could not agree more.
Doug Judy: Fievel? [Brooklyn99Insider: Fievel/Papa gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr.]
Peralta: Papa.
Doug Judy: Fievel!
Peralta: Papa!
Doug Judy: Fie-vel!
Peralta: Pa-pa!
Doug Judy: Fie-vel!
Diaz: You guys having fun? Cause I'm not. His mom put this stupid braid in my hair.


Doug Judy: Oh, looks beautiful.
Peralta: Yeah, it's kinda cute.


Doug Judy: Please have my children.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Doug Judy: Wait, wait, wait. Diaz looks like a dirty criminal. But you look like a cop, man. You can't go over there like that.
Peralta: What'd you have in mind?

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr
Don't call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin' my peers and puttin' suckas in fear
Makin' the tears rain down like a monsoon
Listen to the bass go boom
Explosion overpowerin'
Over the competition I'm towerin'

Brooklyn99Insider: LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out" - now that's an entrance!



Peralta: I don't look like a cop now.
Diaz: No, you look like a Boyz II Men Easter album.
Doug Judy: Burn.
Peralta: That's not a burn; that's cool.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Terry: Gina, we've been looking all over for you. You can't just disappear and leave a sign on your desk that says, "gone leavin'."

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Gina: I'm hiding from Charles. I can't take him anymore. It's safe in here, cause his scooter can't get up the steps in the hallway.
Santiago: Gina, have some compassion. Boyle got hurt doing something brave.
Gina: You didn't have to do physical therapy with him, Amy.
Boyle: Pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, push. Pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, push.


Boyle: All this cycling makes me feel like Lance Armstrong.


Gina: Like you use performance-enhancing drugs and have one teste?
Boyle: Wouldn't you like to know?

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Santiago: How long can you possibly hide in here?
Gina: I sent all the captain's calls here, my phone battery's at 100% charge, and I have ten loose diner mints in my purse. This is my home now.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: I gotta say, the suit is growing on me.
Doug Judy: Looks good.
Peralta: Is it triple-breasted somehow?
Doug Judy: There's no such thing.
Peralta: What about the girl in Total Recall?
Doug Judy: Mmm. Triple bitties.
Peralta: Triple bitties.
Doug Judy: Triple bitties. Yeah.


Peralta: I promise you this. They have not heard the last of Carl Mangerman.


Capt. Holt: Sergeant, I'd like you to meet Richard and Dan. They are puppies.
Terry: Very cute, sir.
Capt. Holt: Maybe your twins would like some little, furry friends.
Terry: I'm sorry, sir, but that's impossible. With the twins learning how to walk, chaos reigns at the Jeffords' household. I can't let those innocent pups into that madhouse. Terry won't do you like that.
Capt. Holt: I understand. Just know, you have disappointed...all three of us.
Terry: That's cold, sir.


Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Diaz: Something doesn't smell right to me. 
Doug Judy: Could be my dad's suit. He died in it.


Peralta: Doug Judy and I know this guy. You have to trust us.
Diaz: Do I? One of you is a criminal, and the other one is dressed like Steve Harvey. It's over. I'm ending this now. Sorry, Jake.
Peralta: Seriously?
Diaz: Yeah. A thousand push-ups.
Peralta: Well, I raise you. Two thousand push-ups.
Diaz: What? That's not how this works. I said a thousand push-ups, you have to back me up. That's the pact, end of story.
Peralta: Well, I break the pact.
Diaz: I hope you understand how serious this is to me.
Peralta: Come on, Rosa. Can't you read between the lines, man?
Diaz: Don't quote Die Hard.


Doug Judy: What about choppers? You got choppers? With snipers and rockets?
Peralta: No one has rocket choppers. Although that does sound amazing.


Boyle: So, what'd I miss? Tell me all the jokes. Everything funny that happened.
Santiago: Charles, we really need to get back to...
Terry: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did. But it brought me and Scully closer together.
Boyle: Ha-ha-ha. That's great! What else? Oh, I laughed too hard. Lost another highlighter. Does anyone have skinny forearms?
Santiago: Fine.
Boyle: Great. Yeah, it's way down there by my butt. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's it.
...
Santiago: Ah! Got it. Oh, my God. Where's my grandmother's ring?
Boyle: Oh! Found it. I'll be right back.



Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Gina: Welcome to the Boyle-free zone. Please turn off all cell phones so as not to attract any unwanted attention. Can I offer you a mint?


Doug Judy: You and me Jake. We were born ready.
Peralta: Go, Judy, go. We meet at last, Pontiac Bandit. For eight years I've tracked you. And today I'm taking you down. Doug Judy, can you hear me? Say something to test the wire.
Doug Judy: Hey, Diaz...? After we put the cuffs on this guy, I'll be free for dinner. You like spaghetti? And weed?
Peralta: The mic works.


Doug Judy: Let's talk about cars. I got my shop up and running again. I can do anything you want. Blue cars, red cars, big cars, small cars, you know, cars. Cars are really great, aren't they?
Diaz: What is he doing?
Peralta: Talking about cars.


Capt. Holt: Boyle, where is everyone?
Boyle: Hiding from me in the evidence room. They think I don't know, but Gina's been live tweeting the whole thing.
Capt. Holt: She live tweets everything. Ruined Downton Abbey for me.


Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Boyle: Maybe it was too soon for me to come back. I would've just stayed at home, but I was getting lonely and bored. One day I looked out the window for four hours. I didn't see anything.

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Doug Judy: You know what else is great about cars? The way they look. How they stop, how they start.
Diaz: That's it. I'm calling it.


Peralta: Gotcha, Pontiac Bandit. Where's Doug Judy?
Barber: He went to the bathroom. I'm just here to give him a haircut. I don't know what's going on.
Peralta: A likely story, Pontiac... But actually you do have a lot of hair products.
Diaz: He's gone. He ran.
Peralta: Why would he do that? He helped us catch the Pontiac Bandit. That was the deal. Doesn't make any sense unless... Doug Judy is the Pontiac Bandit. Put out an APB. Seal off everything for a 20-block radius.
Doug Judy: Yeah, don't bother looking for me. I'm in the wind. Woosh.
Peralta: If you're close enough for me to hear you, you're close enough for me to catch you.
Doug Judy: Nah, I got a relay set up, brother.
Peralta: So if you're the Pontiac Bandit, who's this joker?
Doug Judy: Couple of years ago you were getting really close, so I started telling all my associates if they ever get caught, they should describe me as... [Asian dude, 5'8", spiky hair. Wears diamond earrings and has a... British accent.]
Peralta: So then you hired a guy who matched that exact description.
Doug Judy: No, no, no, no, no, no. That's my barber, Norman Lee. He gave me the idea.
Barber: You know, if you can't come in, I do house calls. You just text me a location and I could be there in half an hour.
Doug Judy: Good to know. You know, you should actually use him while he's there. He'll give you a dope fade.
Peralta: I get dope enough fades from my current barber, thank you. So you dragged us over here, went in there, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
Doug Judy: The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage, which is where my boy picked me up.
Peralta: Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meet-up. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to make sure that we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Doug Judy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a teddy bear! [Brooklyn99Insider: I hope it is a Fuzzy Cuddle Bear!]
Peralta: You lied to me, Doug Judy. Gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Doug Judy: Hell yeah, that's my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa.
Diaz: Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?
Doug Judy: Ah... ha-ha-ha. I know you're trying to trap me. But crazy thing is...I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you. Sorry it had to go down this way, Peralta. Maybe we could've been friends in another world. If I hadn't just fooled you - like a little bitch!


Terry: Hey, captain, we thought we'd get more work done in here, because...
Capt. Holt: You're all hiding from Boyle!
Hitchcock: Not me, captain. I was napping.
Capt. Holt: That's worse.
Santiago: Captain, we all think Boyle's a hero, but it's very difficult to be around him right now.
Terry: I was in the bathroom with him, sir. It was a nightmare.
Boyle: *Terry is holding Boyle up to the urinal* Hey, sarge, this cast has a special crotch hole. It's like a doggy door for my penis. Shake.
Capt. Holt: That man took a bullet for this precinct. He's a guy who's always looking for love and friendship. And he needs it now more than ever. But you all turned your backs on him! And you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Gina: *giggles* I'm sorry. Those puppies are so cute.
Santiago: They do undercut your tone a bit, sir.

More puppy gifs on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Capt. Holt: Detective Boyle. I think you might be able to give these dogs a good home.
*Boyle climbs off the scooter*
Scooter: You are off the scooter. If you have fallen, please call a doctor.
Boyle: Oh, captain... I don't know if I should... Okay. Oh...oh-ho-ho, that tickles. They like me so much!
Capt. Holt: Are you crying, Santiago?
Santiago: I'm so allergic. Can you tell the scooter to call an ambulance?

Full gif set on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr

Peralta: I want to say something. We've worked together long enough that I know how much you hate apologies. I just want to ask you to join the Doug Judy case. Officially, as partners. I want to catch this guy, and I can't do it without you.
Diaz: No, you can't.
Peralta: Now I believe I owe you a thousand push-ups.
Diaz: I don't care about the push-ups, Jake. I care that you didn't honor our pact. I've always trusted you, and when you did that it made me feel like you don't trust me.
Peralta: I know, and I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
Diaz: No, it won't. Now get down on the floor.
Peralta: What? You just said you didn't care about the push-ups.
Diaz: I changed my mind.
Peralta: Fair enough. A pact's a pact. One, two, three... *time lapse to evening* Six hundred twelve...
Diaz: Night, Peralta.
Peralta: Night. Six hundred thirteen... Hey, Ronald. *time lapse to morning* One thousand...is so many push-ups. I'm never gonna make it. What am I at?
Capt. Holt: Nine hundred and one.
Peralta: Thank you, Captain.
Diaz: You said two thousand, remember?
Peralta: Agh! I shoulda trusted you!


There are additional Brooklyn Nine-Nine gifs on Brooklyn99Insider's Tumblr.

And you won't regret sharing the "Pontiac Bandit" Recap with these links. A thousand push-ups!




-Brooklyn Nine-Nine Insider


Episode Breakdown:


ORIG. AIR DATE: Jan. 7, 2014 8:30/7:30C on FOX

WRITER: Norm Hiscock & Lakshmi Sundaram     DIRECTOR: Craig Zisk

SUMMARY: Jake is interested in one of Rosa's perps, Doug Judy (guest star Craig Robinson), who has information about the "Pontiac Bandit," a car thief whom Jake has been tracking for years. Meanwhile, the station tries to accommodate a scooter-bound Charles' every need when he returns to work, but he proves to be too much to handle. And Captain Holt struggles to find a home for two puppies.

GUEST CAST: Craig Robinson (Darryl in The Office; Hot Tub Time Machine) as Doug Judy; Armelia McQueen (Shula in Hart of Dixie; Ghost) as Diane

CAST: Andy Samberg as Det. Jake Peralta; Andre Braugher as Capt. Ray Holt; Terry Crews as Sgt. Terry Jeffords; Melissa Fumero as Det. Amy Santiago; Joe Lo Truglio as Det. Charles Boyle; Stephanie Beatriz as Det. Rosa Diaz; Chelsea Peretti as Administrator Gina Linetti; Dirk Blocker as Det. Hitchcock; Joel McKinnon Miller as Det. Scully


Where to Stream (as of March 25):


Subscription:   Hulu Plus

Own for $1.99/$2.99 HD:   Amazon   |   iTunes


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